Monday, March 16, 2009

Are you sitting down?

A phone call is never going to go well when the first thing the person at the other end says is 'are you sitting down?'

That's how J called home tonight.

A friend of his maint. was in Afghanistan. He was just over there a few months. He was killed over the weekend by a roadside bomb. He normally worked on base, but was called off base to fix a vehicle. He had no combat skills, they don't go through special training.

I told J last week of a guy stationed on Ft. Rich that was just killed. He had only been over there a month, only in the Army for a year. He had a one year old daughter. That daughter will NEVER get to know her father. She will have no memories of him.

It kills me that our soldiers are still dieing EVERY SINGLE day over there. We haven't had any loses from our base in a while, now there are two in two weeks. Afghanistan is really heating up and I couldn't be more grateful that my DH wont (errrr, shouldn't) be there. It kills me to think that some people very close to me will be there.

What I find even more upsetting is our 'commander in chief' (using that term loosely right now) no longer calls it a war. It's now an ongoing struggle with terrorism. So I'm separated from my husband (he's missing watching our kids grow), who is being shot at..... for a 'struggle'. He is such an ass.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Only a folded up flag on the mantle




I don't want to come home to a folded up flag on my wall. I want to be able to come home and hold my husband. We don't always get what we want though. I pray to God that my husband is one of the lucky ones that makes it home. I know enough people that have lost loved ones over there, I don't want to know anymore.

Several years ago I was back in WI visiting family. I was on my way to meet a gf of mine (had just gotten off the phone with her). I was waiting where we were supposed to meet forever. Finally she showed up and got out of her car. She was in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she said 'S' died. I was shocked!! I couldn't believe it. I knew that he was over seas. H and S were to be married upon his return. She was living in his apt., with his cat. she spoke about how they'd planned to have kids when he returned. He had only been in the sandbox a few months, he had just gotten there. His stay there was short and he was to be on his way back home, only not the way he left. He was going to be flying back in a cargo plane, in a wood box. The homecoming wouldn't be joyous. Instead, his family would be filled with tears of heartache and pain. All she has is memories (great ones) and pictures.

Another friend of mine 'Nay' called a year ago to say that R had been killed. Nay and R were best friends in HS. I know Nay will never forget the times they shared in HS.

The list could go on and on.

I don't want 'just' memories and pictures. I want to be able to touch him and smell him. I don't want only a folded up flag on the mantle.


Thursday, March 5, 2009

The anatomy of a deployment





Before he leaves: You will have a fight a few days before he leaves. It can be a little one or a big one. This is normal and is a way for both of you to start getting used to being separated and apart from each other. Sometimes you'll be very surprised at what you'll argue over. You push each other away. You know in your heart that he's going to be leaving you soon, but it's like second nature. It's a defense mechanism. You figure maybe if I'm mad at him I wont miss him as much. Not only will you miss him just the same, you'll feel bad for spending time fighting before he leaves. You can't help it though, it's natural.









During the deployment: God has blessed us with an amazing ability to compartmentalize our lives. This will allow him to put you and the family in a little box in his mind and believe it or not - not think of you for a while. This is also a danger. It is a tough balancing act to remember you enough to keep connected yet keep the family out of his mind while on duty.






While he is able to put home in a box and not think about it - after all nothing where he is going will remind him of you. As a wife, you're around the same house, kids, friends, activities, etc. that will constantly remind you of him. You will constantly be reminded that he is not there. You have to plug into a good support group (wives, church, family, etc.). I've found that spending time with other military wives is especially helpful. Those going through a deployment or that have gone through one will be the most helpful. Only they TRULY understand what you're going through. They can lend a good shoulder to cry on, a big hug, and advice when needed






The homecoming: This will be quite a shock for both of you. There is a big readjustment period that takes place. He will come home and expect everyone to be just as he left you. In the mean time you (and the kid/s) will have grown, changed and gotten used to dealing with things without daddy. As he tries to pick up where he left off, you will have thoughts like, "I've been able to do this without you and now you are coming in here and making all the decisions without even asking me." Some wives want to hold on to the things that have been working while he was gone so that the next time he leaves it will be easier. Some wives will be more than happy to throw most of the responsibilities back to him. The kids are used to just mommy, now all the sudden daddy is back and taking up her time and trying to run things. It's rough. As you grow, you also grow apart slightly. So you have to learn to grow back together and re-connect. A deployment can rip marriages apart (I promise that J will call me at some point to tell me that so-and-so is getting a divorce, either during or after the deployment, may even be mine, you can't predict what a deployment will hold for you..... I pray it's not me or on of my friends, but you just never really know).






Fight for your marriage to work. Any marriage is work, a military marriage is 10X that amount.















One of the women from my fertility bg. posted a message like this and I just edited it, to explain a deployment and make it more general and less personal. *Thanks E!*

Day 1 & 2



He's gone. My husband is on his way to a world I know nothing of. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like over there. The first day or so is the hardest. You're in your home that you share. Everything reminds you of him. You can still smell him and see his things, but you can't feel him. You'd give anything to have that last hug back.

Day 1:

I ended up getting a room on base so that I could spend those last few hours with J. We went out to dinner with some of other people deploying with him and then went back to our room. I got K in her PJs and tucked into bed. Then J came in to say good night to her. It was horrible. I had to leave the room so that K wouldn't see me so upset. He explained to her that he had to go to work and that he wouldn't be there in the morning. That he'd be gone for a very long time, but that he loved her and she needed to help me around the house. She said 'ok, love you!' and went to sleep.

I laid with J out on the sleeper sofa in the hotel room, just holding him. Trying to enjoy every last min. we'd have together. He fell asleep almost right away (it had been a very long night the night before when we said our goodbye's and he finished packing, ect.). I just laid there listening to him breathe, enjoying the last hug. At 1 am I woke him and told it was time for him to go. How horrible to have to tell you DH (dear husband) it's time for them to leave you and know you wont be able to see them for months on end.

He got up, called his shop to have someone come pick him up from the room. He kissed me goodbye and then quietly slipped out the door. He came back a few minutes later to give me another kiss good bye. Then he was gone. I laid alone in a hotel room, next to our new born son, crying.

My husband is an amazing person, doing an amazing job. He serves his country and helps keep millions of people safe at night and ensures their basic rights are never taken away.

I woke up in the morning and fed the baby. K came out shortly after and I watched Dora with her. I got her dressed and packed up the van. We went and got some food and made the long drive home. I made it all morning without a tear. We got home and I opened the front door and just lost it. I knew that my husband wasn't going to come home tonight.

K came up to me when I was crying and said 'Why sad? don't cry mommy, no worry.' She did fine and just said that daddy was at work and went about her day like nothing was different. Someone came to the door and she yelled "Daddy's home!" I had to explain to her again that no, daddy wasn't home and he wouldn't be home for a long time. I talked to another wife "T", via text off and on. She was having a rough first day too (her DH is with mine on this deployment).

I got to talk to J several times throughout the day and that helped to lift my spirit. I made K and myself dinner, then she wanted to take a bath. I got her bath set up and she jumped in. I was laying on the floor playing with B, when I heard K get out of the tub (she normally calls me and asks for my help and a towel). I looked up and saw her standing naked and wet in the hall. She started to cry and said 'Daddy's not home!' I got her a towel and hugged her and said no, daddy's not home. It finally hit her when daddy wasn't home for dinner and then for bath. He's always home in time for a bath.

I put her to bed and crawled into my own bed. It was my first full night at home, alone. I just cried and cried. It's sooooo difficult to deal with the fact that your Dh is soooooo far away and in harms way. It's even worse knowing there is NOTHING you can do or say to change that or help protect them. "T" ended up calling me as she was laying awake too. We just chatted and it took my mind away from things. I was able to fall asleep after our long chat, it was so nice. It was just a great distraction.

Day 2:

Kayla woke up this morning and I sat her down for breakfast. She just sat at the table, looking at her Cheerios crying saying daddy was gone. J called and she got to talk to him for a little bit and it seemed to help her. She went down stairs to play with her toys and has been laughing ever since.

I'm doing great today. I've gotten to talk to J a few times (he's still in the US, doing training before he leaves for over there) and I know he's still safe. I've adjusted to being away from him (this isn't our first rodeo) and spent the morning cleaning and doing laundry.

Our third (his fourth) deployment is now underway.

Sit down and buckle up. Share the journey and the experience with me and thousands of other military wives. Things are going to be scary, lonely, exciting, heartbreaking, and wonderful. Soon the sad stories of cheating, death, injury, family issues, ect. will start (it doesn't take long sadly enough). I seem to know an ever increasing number of wives that are away from the husbands right now and I look forward to hearing their experiences and being able to share them with you, good and bad.

The life of a military wife is a complicated, dynamic one that only other military wives seem to really understand.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009




The last 24 hours are horrible. In what should be a great time together, all you can think about is them leaving, that hurt in you stomach and your heart.

You lay awake that last night, hoping if you don't close your eyes, the night will never end. You can sit there and hold each other forever. You fall asleep only to awake a few hours later grateful it's not over yet.

I lay there, being held by J. Trying to memorize his feel, knowing it would be a long time before I felt his hug again.

Before I was ready for it, it was 7:30 and K was in our room saying 'GOOD MORNING!! Good sleep? It's a bright sunny day.' J got up with her and I got dressed, then brought the baby out to him to feed and hold. It breaks my heart that tomorrow when Kayla gets up, she's going to say 'daddy at work?' and I'll have to explain that yes, he is at work, but that he wont be coming home. She wont understand. As the days roll by I can't even imagine what she's going to think. Her grandma just left her and now her daddy. I doubt she'll be willing to let me out of her sight for a long time.

The first few days are the worst. You try to figure out a routine and get into a pattern. Your family is like a puzzle. If you have a complete puzzle, and then remove a piece, it just doesn't look right. No matter how small the puzzle, no matter how big or small the piece that's removed. Things don't look or feel right.

It's not so much that you're a 'single mom' or a 'single'. That part is the easiest of it all. Being 'alone' is no big deal. You go about your day and things move forward. It's the constant worry over your loved one. The constant fear that they'll get hurt. The horrific feeling every time there's an unexpected knock on the door. Wondering what they're doing, if they're ok, are they eating enough? Are they too hot and tired from not sleeping in days? What will they be like when they come home? What terrible things have they seen? The worry over them is constant and never goes away. There's a permanent pit in your stomach. The days seem to drag on at times, while you wait for your loved one to come home, so you can hold them in your arms once again.

I dread the drive home tonight. It will take an hour to get home. I will be alone. I will put our daughter to bed and then try to get our son settled. Then I'll tuck myself into bed and cry. Wishing that my husband was home for me to hold and to hug one last time. To feel his breath, kiss his lips, anything. Worried about what his future holds for him in a war torn country. Knowing he's over there to keep us safe at night an for our rights. I couldn't be more proud of him.


My small amount of joy in the day: We found out our puppy will be flying in on Sat.!! YAY! At last she will keep us beyond busy for a while.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

it's time to say goodbye

My DH leaves in just 48 hours. It will be here before I'm ready for it.

My friend 'Ash' (who is about to go through the EXACT same thing as she just had a baby also, so you'll hear about her often, I thank God I found her) pointed out just how hard it is to go through the goodbyes. The days leading up to it are the worst because you feel that sense of dread, that pit in your stomach, and you want to stay awake to keep the next day from coming. Then when you say goodbye, you want to rush to get it over with because it is so hard. The tears are flowing, you feel like you're going to throw up. Then when it *is* over with, you want it back so badly. You'd give anything to have those last hugs back. To smell them one more time, to feel their skin one last time.

The few days after they leave are the worst. You wake up that first morning and realize you're all alone. That you can't just pick up your phone and call them to say you're having a hard day or you love them. You know that your 'hard' day with kids is nothing compared to their hard days with the bombs, attacks, and gun shots. You have to find a new routine, a new path to take. The kids keep you busy and distracted, but your husband is NEVER far from your mind. You find your self daydreaming about what they're doing. Randomly crying as you grieve for them.

Time for our last Sunday breakfast together (makes me want to cry just thinking about it). As I said at the start, you never know what's going to happen in the life of a military wife (or her friends) and things are ever changing (in case you haven't noticed). Don't ever believe anything the media tells you about the military, it's not true any way.