DH and I have gone through a bit of infertility. While it isn't a long time compared to others, two years is hard on any woman trying to become pregnant.
While it seems that in the military almost everyone just gets pg., that couldn't be farther from the truth. I know a lot of women who just pop out babies no problem. I also know a lot of women who have a really difficult time. Living on a military makes this hard. When ever there is a huge unit homecoming, there are always babies. There's now a 'boom' and every where you look you see a pg. woman. This is REALLY hard if you are one of those women who have a difficult time. You go in to see the doctor and are surrounded by pg. women. To look at them makes you hurt inside. While some of them may have had a struggle and you are happy for them, you are sad for you! It's hard, period. You want to be a 'good' person and be happy for everyone..... some women are 'bitter', but really most of them are just sad for them. And that's OK. It's OK for you to be happy for someone else and sad for you. There's nothing wrong with hurting and feeling pain for something you need in your life.
Ben's birth was horrible, at best. It left me with a lot of scar tissue. What it took to have him was 2 years of trying and medical help. We were told we'd probably never get pg. again for a lot of reasons, at least not on our own.
We went to FL and had a great time!! We came home and got settled back into life here. About 3 weeks later I wasn't feeling well. At Christmas time I felt kind of gross, but thought nothing of it. I took a pregnancy test on New Years because I felt 'off.' I'd been pregnant 7 times and kind of knew what to expect or what it felt like. Sure enough, it was positive. I went in and started to have blood tests done every 48 hours for a few weeks. I had less than 1% chance of even getting pg. and the chances of an early miscarriage were extremely high for me.
It took over a week for the utter shock to wear off. Then it was fear. I'd lost so many pregnancies. This was now my eighth pregnancy and I only have two children. I had a cat scan while technically pg, but didn't have any idea. I was worried that if the baby did make it there would be something life-threatening wrong.
So far, so good. I am now in my second trimester and if everything goes well, we will be having our third child in mid-August. This is the smoothest pregnancy I've ever had, in terms of pregnancy. I have been REALLY really sick though. I had a flu bug and had to get IV fluids. I then had a nasty sinus infection which needs antibiotics. I then got fluid in my lungs. My healthy has been total crap, but none of it is pregnancy related. Go figure.
That is why I have been MIA. I'm hardly on the computer and when I am it's just to catch up with friends and family and then I'm off!! But, I promise to be better from now on :)
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Who are you again?
First, I apologize for the lack of posts since James' return, it's been a loooong road..... you'll understand a bit more a little later on.
Ok, now on with it.
A homecoming from a 'long' (I know, there are some MUCH, much longer) is bumpy at best. People can say how perfect theirs ones and how soooo much in love they are and 90% of that is bullshit. They may be really love, but that's about the only part that's the truth about a homecoming.
You are so beyond happy that they are home. It's all you've dreamed about since the day you said goodbye. The problem lies in changes. People change. When you are apart, you often change in somewhat different directions. You get into habits and a set way of life. You do everything on your own and become very self reliant. Then one day, you go from being 'single' to married. Over night.
You get used to doing things YOUR way. You clean the house your way, you do the dishes and laundry your way, you discipline your kids your way. Your life is yours. Then, DH (or DW) comes home. It's hard for him because he's been away for so long and all he wants to do is be a part of the family again. He wants your attention, affection, time, and love. He wants to step in and help with the kids, but doesn't know how. Kids change the most. Being away for anything more than 6 months, they miss a LOT. Kids grow and change so fast, esp. before the teen years. And even the teen years are just change after change.
DH came home late. I left the kids home tucked in bed and had a friend come over to sit while I went and got DH. I picked up DH and was shocked to only see one other wife there for a group of about 8. There was no big homecoming. I met my DH at the bottom of an escalator, gave him a big hug and we went to luggage. There was no parade, there was no welcome party, no cameras, no news stations. We got his bags and 2 guys from his shop showed up. Typically when guys come home, at a minimum their co-workers show to welcome them home. These guys have been through SOOO many deployments now a days, that it's not even a big deal when people return. There are CONSTANTLY people coming and going. It's sad that this war has drug on for soooooo long and the men and women have done sooooo many tours that no ones seems to really care any more.
We came home, did what couples do, and he went to sleep. He was just happy to be home. I laid there next to him, wide awake. I hadn't had any one in my bed in almost 9 months. I was used to sleeping alone. Not only was there now someone in my bed, but I looked at him and didn't know who he was. I kept looking, trying to see if I'd recognize him...... nothing. We'd been apart long enough that I didn't know who he was any more. Nothing was said to hurt me, no one was mad. I couldn't help but lay there and think 'Who are you? I don't know you.' the first few nights after that, I asked him to sleep on the couch. There wasn't any fighting or being mad, I just couldn't get to sleep because I couldn't get over this feeling of a stranger laying next to me.
As the days went on, we settled back into our routine. We adjusted and became a family again. The first few days James went back to work, Kayla cried. While he was deployed we told her daddy was at work, because well, he was. So when he would leave she would ask where daddy went. I told her he'd gone to work. The tears would start to roll down her cheeks and she'd cry to me, 'NO! I don't want daddy to go to work because he not come home!' She was heartbroken at the thought of daddy leaving again and not coming home. I had to keep telling her daddy would be home before dinner and in time bed. She didn't believe and would sit and cry. After a week she got that daddy was coming home every day and life moved on with her.
Ben would just look at him. It was just mom and sister before. Now there's this other person. Is he good, bad? Luckily Ben adjusts well to new people and did just fine. James had missed most of his first year.
All in all this was the smoothest adjustment. After a few weeks home we all went on a vacation to the lower 48. We spent most of it in sunny FL and it was so nice to see the sun and the sand! i suppose with this being our third homecoming in just 5 years, you're bound to get good at it.
The general public doesn't understand how complex a homecoming is and what the families go through. A lot of people think, oh the family is whole again! They can be a big happy family now! I can assure you, this is almost never the case. There is usually at least one large fight and rocky times. It's a very rough road at first and some couples don't even make it through. Sometimes being apart for a year is just too much. People grow and change. Often, in different directions.
Ok, now on with it.
A homecoming from a 'long' (I know, there are some MUCH, much longer) is bumpy at best. People can say how perfect theirs ones and how soooo much in love they are and 90% of that is bullshit. They may be really love, but that's about the only part that's the truth about a homecoming.
You are so beyond happy that they are home. It's all you've dreamed about since the day you said goodbye. The problem lies in changes. People change. When you are apart, you often change in somewhat different directions. You get into habits and a set way of life. You do everything on your own and become very self reliant. Then one day, you go from being 'single' to married. Over night.
You get used to doing things YOUR way. You clean the house your way, you do the dishes and laundry your way, you discipline your kids your way. Your life is yours. Then, DH (or DW) comes home. It's hard for him because he's been away for so long and all he wants to do is be a part of the family again. He wants your attention, affection, time, and love. He wants to step in and help with the kids, but doesn't know how. Kids change the most. Being away for anything more than 6 months, they miss a LOT. Kids grow and change so fast, esp. before the teen years. And even the teen years are just change after change.
DH came home late. I left the kids home tucked in bed and had a friend come over to sit while I went and got DH. I picked up DH and was shocked to only see one other wife there for a group of about 8. There was no big homecoming. I met my DH at the bottom of an escalator, gave him a big hug and we went to luggage. There was no parade, there was no welcome party, no cameras, no news stations. We got his bags and 2 guys from his shop showed up. Typically when guys come home, at a minimum their co-workers show to welcome them home. These guys have been through SOOO many deployments now a days, that it's not even a big deal when people return. There are CONSTANTLY people coming and going. It's sad that this war has drug on for soooooo long and the men and women have done sooooo many tours that no ones seems to really care any more.
We came home, did what couples do, and he went to sleep. He was just happy to be home. I laid there next to him, wide awake. I hadn't had any one in my bed in almost 9 months. I was used to sleeping alone. Not only was there now someone in my bed, but I looked at him and didn't know who he was. I kept looking, trying to see if I'd recognize him...... nothing. We'd been apart long enough that I didn't know who he was any more. Nothing was said to hurt me, no one was mad. I couldn't help but lay there and think 'Who are you? I don't know you.' the first few nights after that, I asked him to sleep on the couch. There wasn't any fighting or being mad, I just couldn't get to sleep because I couldn't get over this feeling of a stranger laying next to me.
As the days went on, we settled back into our routine. We adjusted and became a family again. The first few days James went back to work, Kayla cried. While he was deployed we told her daddy was at work, because well, he was. So when he would leave she would ask where daddy went. I told her he'd gone to work. The tears would start to roll down her cheeks and she'd cry to me, 'NO! I don't want daddy to go to work because he not come home!' She was heartbroken at the thought of daddy leaving again and not coming home. I had to keep telling her daddy would be home before dinner and in time bed. She didn't believe and would sit and cry. After a week she got that daddy was coming home every day and life moved on with her.
Ben would just look at him. It was just mom and sister before. Now there's this other person. Is he good, bad? Luckily Ben adjusts well to new people and did just fine. James had missed most of his first year.
All in all this was the smoothest adjustment. After a few weeks home we all went on a vacation to the lower 48. We spent most of it in sunny FL and it was so nice to see the sun and the sand! i suppose with this being our third homecoming in just 5 years, you're bound to get good at it.
The general public doesn't understand how complex a homecoming is and what the families go through. A lot of people think, oh the family is whole again! They can be a big happy family now! I can assure you, this is almost never the case. There is usually at least one large fight and rocky times. It's a very rough road at first and some couples don't even make it through. Sometimes being apart for a year is just too much. People grow and change. Often, in different directions.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Everything is so bitter sweet
My friend Ness' husband is home on R&R. What a wonderful opportunity to get a break from the stress of a deployment for him and his family. However, I've been through R&R during a one year deployment. Those few weeks that you get to see your loved one is the best thing in the world. That one last hug, that one last kiss....... that one last look into their eyes.
It's all drowned in a cloud of knowing. Knowing that in just a few short days it's all going to come to an end again and you'll go through a painful goodbye, once again. Everyday they are home, you dread the day that approaches, all too fast, when they have to leave again.
J is due back from his deployment in just 8 weeks, about 60 days. I can do two months standing on my head, holding both kids. But I know the day he comes home will be bittersweet. You are so amazingly over the moon to see your loved one again, safe on our soil. What you also know, in the back of your mind, is that it wont be your last homecoming. That in the months to come, you'll be saying goodbye, again. I know that in November of next year, my DH could deploy yet again. I know without a doubt that if he is still in the military he will deploy again in the next two years. I know I'll having to say goodbye, yet again.
What do you do when you know you'll have to go through a long, terrifying deployment again?? Take it one day at a time and enjoy every single day you have with them. You try not to take things for granted. We can be in the middle of a giant fight, even when he's deployed, and we still say 'I love you' every time we end a phone call or chat. I know it may be the last time I get to say it and if nothing else, he wont ever have a doubt in his mind how I feel about him.
Even though it is bittersweet, I would give ANYTHING for my husband to have R&R (he doesn't get to come home on a 'break' and I haven't seen him since early March). It may be painful knowing that he has to leave again in a few short days, but those you have together are simply amazing.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The anatomy of a deployment
Before he leaves: You will have a fight a few days before he leaves. It can be a little one or a big one. This is normal and is a way for both of you to start getting used to being separated and apart from each other. Sometimes you'll be very surprised at what you'll argue over. You push each other away. You know in your heart that he's going to be leaving you soon, but it's like second nature. It's a defense mechanism. You figure maybe if I'm mad at him I wont miss him as much. Not only will you miss him just the same, you'll feel bad for spending time fighting before he leaves. You can't help it though, it's natural.
During the deployment: God has blessed us with an amazing ability to compartmentalize our lives. This will allow him to put you and the family in a little box in his mind and believe it or not - not think of you for a while. This is also a danger. It is a tough balancing act to remember you enough to keep connected yet keep the family out of his mind while on duty.
While he is able to put home in a box and not think about it - after all nothing where he is going will remind him of you. As a wife, you're around the same house, kids, friends, activities, etc. that will constantly remind you of him. You will constantly be reminded that he is not there. You have to plug into a good support group (wives, church, family, etc.). I've found that spending time with other military wives is especially helpful. Those going through a deployment or that have gone through one will be the most helpful. Only they TRULY understand what you're going through. They can lend a good shoulder to cry on, a big hug, and advice when needed
The homecoming: This will be quite a shock for both of you. There is a big readjustment period that takes place. He will come home and expect everyone to be just as he left you. In the mean time you (and the kid/s) will have grown, changed and gotten used to dealing with things without daddy. As he tries to pick up where he left off, you will have thoughts like, "I've been able to do this without you and now you are coming in here and making all the decisions without even asking me." Some wives want to hold on to the things that have been working while he was gone so that the next time he leaves it will be easier. Some wives will be more than happy to throw most of the responsibilities back to him. The kids are used to just mommy, now all the sudden daddy is back and taking up her time and trying to run things. It's rough. As you grow, you also grow apart slightly. So you have to learn to grow back together and re-connect. A deployment can rip marriages apart (I promise that J will call me at some point to tell me that so-and-so is getting a divorce, either during or after the deployment, may even be mine, you can't predict what a deployment will hold for you..... I pray it's not me or on of my friends, but you just never really know).
Fight for your marriage to work. Any marriage is work, a military marriage is 10X that amount.
One of the women from my fertility bg. posted a message like this and I just edited it, to explain a deployment and make it more general and less personal. *Thanks E!*
Thursday, February 5, 2009
We've got orders!
While James was in Korea, we were to move from GA, to our new base.
I got a call from J one day and he said "we've got orders!" To where?? Alaska!! "Wait, WHAT?? You want me to pick up my daughter and move 4,000 miles away to a cold ass place?? You're nuts and I'm not going!!" I hung up the phone. Nice huh?
Well, obviously I changed my mind. In February of 2007 I returned to Georgia from Wisconsin. I packed up my daughter and all of our stuff. I made the trip, alone with my daughter, across the country. We flew from Atlanta to AZ and from there on to AK. I bought a house and moved all of our stuff into it. Then I waited. I waited until May for James to get 'home' to Alaska. I only knew one person 'Ali'. I didn't know where any thing was. In true military fashion, no one from J's new shop called me, offered me a map, or checked in on me. Talk about putting a bad taste in the mouth, before you've even taken a bite!!
I got a call from J one day and he said "we've got orders!" To where?? Alaska!! "Wait, WHAT?? You want me to pick up my daughter and move 4,000 miles away to a cold ass place?? You're nuts and I'm not going!!" I hung up the phone. Nice huh?
Well, obviously I changed my mind. In February of 2007 I returned to Georgia from Wisconsin. I packed up my daughter and all of our stuff. I made the trip, alone with my daughter, across the country. We flew from Atlanta to AZ and from there on to AK. I bought a house and moved all of our stuff into it. Then I waited. I waited until May for James to get 'home' to Alaska. I only knew one person 'Ali'. I didn't know where any thing was. In true military fashion, no one from J's new shop called me, offered me a map, or checked in on me. Talk about putting a bad taste in the mouth, before you've even taken a bite!!
We've had tons of amazing adventures here since. Alaska is gorgeous and I recommend every one get here at least once in their life to see the beauty!! We've seen bear, moose, and bald eagles. We've been through wind storms, earthquakes, and volcanoes. It's an amazing, ever changing world here. We have one more summer here (this is our last year) and the things to do are endless....... I can't wait to see what this year brings us!!
In Dec. we're all going to Wisconsin for a few weeks and James is leaving from there to Russia. Then I'm taking the kids to Florida for some much needed R&R (and distraction from the fact that daddy is gone) in Jan. I don't know when we'll return to Alaska, but I'm guessing in Feb. Where we sit and wait for J to get back, again. Why does it seem we're always waiting for him to return home from some place over seas? This really sucks!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
