Monday, August 31, 2009

Money makes the world go round

I have skin cancer. I need to see a specialist, that the military can't provide for me.

I also have Tricare. Tricare is govt. run health care at it's finest. It's like medicaid in that it only pays doctors a fraction of what they ask for and takes forever to pay out.

Tricare sends this authorization saying yes, we approve for you to go see this specialist. You get * many visits, you get to have * procedures done, and * lab work done. Anything over those limits, I could end up having to pay for (so Dear Doc, please only do what the govt. approved).

I call this specialist in downtown Anchorage. They happen to be some of the best in the state and are right at the best hospital in town (where our son was born and in the ICU). I am asked what I need to come in for, I tell her. I am asked if I am a new patient and say yes. Then the big question, who is your insurance provider, I tell her. She THEN tells me they are only allowed to take on so many new Tricare patients at a time (and I already know why because of an incident at a peds. office which I will also get to). She says I can't come in until December!! I about have a heart attack!! If this is a severe cancer, I want it off of my body NOW!!! Yeah well, that's not an option....... I have govt. run health care and they can only AFFORD to take on so many of their patients at a time, I'll have to wait my turn. She said once I get in, they will take care of things right away (I wont have to wait months to remove the spots or anything). So it's all a matter of affordability to them, and they can't afford to take me on right now. Three months could mean the difference between chemo and just having the spots removed. But the doctor can't afford to take me on at the moment.

Although she briefly touched on the I have Tricare and they can't afford it, I know a lot behind it. A friend of mine worked at the peds. office I wanted to take my son to when he was first born (he ended up needing to be in Anchorage and not in the village we lived in, so that didn't matter). She said they don't take Tricare usually because they never pay and when they do finally cough up the money, it isn't nearly enough. She was able to talk one of the doctors there into seeing me because I was her friend.

So there you have it. When you have govt. run health insurance and doctors, you can't get in to see the specialist you need to or they refuse to see you all together!! I know this for a fact because I've lived through it.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

They don't want him to come home

But that's not much of a shock. The doctor said to leave my case open pending the results of my biopsy. My husband will be home in 6 weeks anyway.

So good or bad, I'm doing it alone. I get to go in and have surgery by myself. I have to beg a neighbor to watch my children while I go in. And who knows how much help I'll need there after (since there is a spot on both arms). Then when the news comes down, I'll be alone.

I hate the military right now and hate the govt. Govt. medicine at it's finest....... they decide whether I am going to be alone or not when I get this information.


What I haven't told any one is that I'm not going to go in. I'm not going to go in and have these spots removed. I can't. I CAN NOT do this one on my own. This has been such a trying summer, with so many things going wrong. I'm am done. I can't emotionally handle another blow right now. I need the support of SOMEONE and am thousands of miles away from any one that I love.

Good, bad, or otherwise..... it's going to have to wait.

You need to call the Red Cross

"Why? It wont do any good." Is the first thought I had when talking to my husband's new 'leader' in the shop.

It started last week when I noticed that a lump on one arm and a spot on the other had grown a bit in the last few months. I went to the doctor yesterday morning and she confirmed what I had thought. That one looked like a basil carcinoma (sp?) and the other looked like a melanoma.

The BCC you just punch out, sew the skin shut, and watch for any more. If you're going to have skin cancer, that's the best kind to have!! If there is such a thing as a 'good' kind of cancer.

The melanoma, not so much. I asked them to remove it yesterday and she wouldn't go near it. She said that it looked bad that they weren't sure how much skin around it would need to be remove also to get a clean border. So I have to go see a dermatologist and have them biopsy it.

I left the office ok. I had prepared myself for what was to come, as you can see what it is by just looking at it. I tried to ready myself for the blow of having it confirmed that it is what you fear. I then tried to call my mom and tell her. I couldn't do it. I managed to squeak out "I'll call you back." and hang up. I haven't had the best of luck in my life. I have had pre-cancer tissue removed from my sinuses, I have tumor still in one of my sinuses, I've had my tonsils out, my appendix out, two emergency c-sections, I just found out that I have arthritis in my knees, and my asthma is getting worse. I have the crappy genetics of this family. My FOUR brothers are all as healthy as can be. My mom has had lots of bouts with different cancers and my dad, skin cancer. So how do you tell them that your baby girl has cancer? Don't I have enough going on in my life?

I call James' shop to let them know. I told them I wasn't sure what kind of help I was looking for because I didn't know how bad, or not so bad things were. I needed to have the biopsy in order to get a grasp on the totality of the circumstance. Was it something they could just remove and I'd be fine?? Would I need chemo in a bottle (it's a lotion that you apply to the skin)? Would I need regular chemotherapy? How bad is this monster? I think it's early enough that it is something we just remove and I'll be fine. But I wont know until we get in there.

His 'boss' told me to call the Red Cross and request James to come home. His tour is up in just 4 weeks anyway, but he needs to be home to support me and hold my hand when I have surgery. It's something that I don't want to go through alone.

But the truth of the matter is, the Red Cross sucks. You have strangers behind a desk making a decision about who stays and who goes. These people don't know you, what you're going through, or you entire situation. They don't know anything about the military. They aren't medical professionals. They are random citizens that volunteer or get paid by the Red Cross to make these choices for other people.

So what do I do when I get the phone call later today that the Red Cross 'doesn't approve it' even though his shop here send him home?? I try to find someone nice enough to watch my kids for me while I go in and have these spots removed. Then, when I get the results I sit alone in my room, crying. I either just got awesome news and I'm grateful it's over for now or I just found out I'm going to need more treatment and sob by myself.

Either way, no one should have to go through this alone. I'm over 4,000 miles away from my family and relying on strangers to help get me through things in life that your family should be there for.

Oh, the glorious life of a military wife.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Your neighbor is a crazy bitch!!

Living on base has been, well...... an experience. I have never lived on a military base before. It has been wonderful!! I have the best neighbors in the world really, and couldn't have asked to live next to nicer people.



A, D, J, and K are awesome! They are there if you need anything, willing to help out, and they understand. They have been through deployments and they get it. They know what you go through.



When I first moved in my neighbors in D unit were, ummmmmm different. She talked a little smack about the other women (which i let go in one ear and out the other, I like to make my own judgements on people) and her DH said they were 'anti-social.' I live in a cul-da-sac and most of the people in my building and the next one over cookout on the weekends and have a fire in the middle of the court. Everyone brings a dish, hangs out, has a drink or two, and enjoys the very short summer we have.



Well D unit neighbors were crazy. They never came out to hang out (that doesn't make them crazy) and didn't get along with anyone in the court. They called housing to 'report' everyone (except me, I was never reported because they 'liked' me).



"so and so has too much stuff in their yard. So and so has too many cars. So and so makes too much noise."



STUPID complaints. Well people in the next building (A & T in C unit ) have friends in housing. He would tell A&T when they (D unit) called to complain.. which he probably shouldn't do. One day after A&T were made aware of all the stupid complaints, T was outside working on his truck. People in a separate building were PCSing and had a Uhaul in the court. Tony (guy from D Unit, my neighbor) went over and started to yell at the guy!! He was throwing his arms around and just having a temper tantrum. Then the wife of the guy comes out and Tony is yelling at both of them. T (from C Unit) is just laughing, watching this happen. Turns out Tony was pissed that the Uhaul was in the court. HELLOOOOO!! We ALL PCS at some point. You know damn well what they're going through and that it's only going to last a week.

Well, now it's D units turn to PCS. They want to park their semi in front of my house. Which I don't have a problem with. HOWEVER, he's been such a jerk to everyone.... do I pay it back?? A little justice in the cul-da-sac? Well, it never even made it to me.

Tony asked the people next to me in B Unit to move their truck first (then were going to come ask me to move DH's car). They said 'No.' They knew that he'd thrown a fit about a stupid Uhaul, and just said No.

Well the wife of Tony, Maria, comes knocking on my door. Am (from B unit who told them no), HAPPENS to be in my house at the time. Am got the door then took off back to her house. I was like, 'what the hell' and went to the door. There stand Maria, SHAKING she is soooo mad at Am. I about started to laugh right then and there. She goes on to say how Am is such a bitch for not moving their truck and blah blah blah. Now, Maria is being LOUD. I mean, LOUD. It was a nice day so people had their windows open. I was able to get her to move into the street where we stood. She was just going on and on about how Am and her DH are horrible, rotten people. I came to their defence. I said, 'actually Am is a VERY nice person. You're going to hell for having bad thoughts about a nice person.' At this point, I am trying my hardest not to smile and laugh. Then she decided to start in on all of our other neighbors. And she was talking some trash if I've ever heard it........ and waving her arms around and being all dramatic. I've dealt with crazy people because of working in law enforcement, so I just stood there trying not to laugh, listen to her go off. Then she got a bit out of line. I was like 'SHUT UP!! People are going to start coming out of their houses!!' She was being super loud, and windows are open.... and, I have friends there. I knew it was only a matter of time before women started to come out, thinking she was yelling at me, and come to my defense. Well, moments later I see women starting to come out. A (T's wife) comes out and asks if I'm ok. I tell her to go back inside. Then Am comes back out and comes down to us.

Oh man, I wish I had this part on film.... Am walks up to us and is all like 'Hi!' LOL Maria starts turning red and is shaking again she is sooooooo mad!! This woman was soooo strung on Am being the biggest bitch in the world, it was just funny to watch her reaction. Am was polite and calm. Eventually Maria goes away.

They ended up parking the trailer in their driveway and Maria stood out there laughing like she had some how stuck it to the neighborhood, lol. I was outside with A when she was doing this, so we sat there laughing back at them and all A could get out was 'Your neighbor is a crazy bitch!'

I don't mind living next to crazy people, it is usually pretty funny if nothing else.

Everything is so bitter sweet


My friend Ness' husband is home on R&R. What a wonderful opportunity to get a break from the stress of a deployment for him and his family. However, I've been through R&R during a one year deployment. Those few weeks that you get to see your loved one is the best thing in the world. That one last hug, that one last kiss....... that one last look into their eyes.


It's all drowned in a cloud of knowing. Knowing that in just a few short days it's all going to come to an end again and you'll go through a painful goodbye, once again. Everyday they are home, you dread the day that approaches, all too fast, when they have to leave again.


J is due back from his deployment in just 8 weeks, about 60 days. I can do two months standing on my head, holding both kids. But I know the day he comes home will be bittersweet. You are so amazingly over the moon to see your loved one again, safe on our soil. What you also know, in the back of your mind, is that it wont be your last homecoming. That in the months to come, you'll be saying goodbye, again. I know that in November of next year, my DH could deploy yet again. I know without a doubt that if he is still in the military he will deploy again in the next two years. I know I'll having to say goodbye, yet again.


What do you do when you know you'll have to go through a long, terrifying deployment again?? Take it one day at a time and enjoy every single day you have with them. You try not to take things for granted. We can be in the middle of a giant fight, even when he's deployed, and we still say 'I love you' every time we end a phone call or chat. I know it may be the last time I get to say it and if nothing else, he wont ever have a doubt in his mind how I feel about him.

Even though it is bittersweet, I would give ANYTHING for my husband to have R&R (he doesn't get to come home on a 'break' and I haven't seen him since early March). It may be painful knowing that he has to leave again in a few short days, but those you have together are simply amazing.

If I go down, I'm taking you with me!!

My DH got and e-mail from the new Tech. in charge. DH is deployed still (obviously), so this was an e-mail introducing himself and saying hi. He wanted my info as well as our kids so they could help us better. This guy seems all about family, which is a very nice change of pace in that shop. He seemed to actually care how the kids were and interested in helping out the family any way he, or the guys in the shop, could.

Now, it was ended with something like this:
"I've heard through the rumor mill, that blah blah blah blah blah"

James asked if I would call this Tech and tell him what's going on. I did. I was not to happy about it. I wasn't mad at James or the Tech., but that someone in the shop was talking about me/my situation and shouldn't have been. Not only were they talking about us, but the information was wrong. (it's just about the house situation, so it's not horrible or anything, just miss-information)

I told him that as a leader it's his job to A) tell them it's NONE of their business B) they are wrong (not to mention out of line) and C) STOP talking about it and adding fuel to the huge rumor mill that is the military. He said he had told them that and I went on to explain the situation. (we're doing a short sale on the house, but it was explained to him that we just skipped out on the house and weren't paying, weren't in contact with the bank, ect. Which isn't true of course.... so it was just a 'set the record' straight kind of a thing, not a huge deal)

But it got me thinking, you assholes in my husband's shop:

1) SHUT YOUR MOUTHS! I don't talk about you, don't talk about me (good bad, or other wise. What happens out side of works, needs to stay there. Put your big boy pants on and grow the piss up)

2) My husband is in Iraq. MOST of you have been there. You know what it's like and what he's going through. Dealing with dumb little shit like this, shouldn't even be on his radar! Leave people and their families alone while they are deployed. You just don't go there. Grow up.

3) If you try to take me down, I'm going to take your loser ass with me!!! Let me elaborate on this...... :)

I know that Dildo (airman in the shop) was banging another airman in the military. Not a big deal. But I know that this female he was baning, is married. To someone else in the military. You can't mess around with married women dude, it will end your career!! I also know that he has a big mouth and likes to talk trash about people. I don't hang out with him because he has a big mouth and blows stuff out of proportion. He also lies. BUT I know the chick he was nailing and I've seen them out in public (again, what are you thinking?!?!).

I know that JT is gay. He even has a wife and kid. I know that he likes men and enjoys giving head. He also likes to have sex with strangers (men). I don't care if your gay..... but the military does.

I know that the old 'leader' cheated on his wife while in the desert last time. He met his now wife there, started to nail her and then got divorced. You just made Senior Master..... not sure how that happened, considering you were one of the worst leaders I've EVER seen (I'd I've seen a lot).

I know that SM was talking shit about his now wife, when he first got up here.... with out her. I bet she'd love to know that.

I know that JR is messing with a married woman. I know this married is ALSO two-timing him (he is a good friend of mine though, and I've warned him several times. He's even caught her..... so now it's his own bad for being stupid). She could lose custody of her son during the divorce process if her soon to be Ex knew what she was up to. BUT her Ex cheated on her and even beat her. Which SHOULD end his career...... but his Sgt. is in love with him!!

I know that JMs wife has ass loads of mental health issues (but she's as sweet as can be!)..........

Military members have lots, and lots of deep dirty little secrets. Along with lots of problems..... A friend of mine was raped while her DH was in Iraq. The military refused to send him home. He's not mission essential (the job would get done just as well w/o him). The military is FULL of losers (they should have sent him home, but his boss over there was a huge loser), but so is the civilian world.

I don't go around telling everyone in the shop every one elses issues, problems, ect. Because it's not my place. People tell me things and it goes in one ear and out the other, the rumor mill is vast and deep. I see things and I keep it locked away. It's no one elses business at 'work' what so-and-so did last weekend. As long as you do your job and don't mess up at work, I don't care. If it doesn't impact me or my family, I don't care. Bang your neighbor or the boss.... I don't care. There was a 'rumor' about my house. What did I do? I called up the guy in charge and told him the real situation (which I didn't have to do!! He had no right to question us or get involved, but I wanted to clear up a misconception). I'm going to find out who he heard this 'rumor' from and I'll deal with it accordingly. But for someone to spread a rumor about someone else and not think it will happen to them or that the person wont find out?? LOL!

The best policy is to NOT socialize with ANY ONE you work with. Stick to neighbors and people in other shops. And when someone comes to you with a 'rumor', squash it. You wouldn't like it if it was about you.... don't perpetuate the problem and encourage it.