Don't Perpetuate the Problem of Domestic Violence

It's 11pm on Friday night. You call him back to your house because you want to get and leave early Saturday morning. Only, what happens next you never expected. You never thought you'd be that girl.

Petrea wanted to go to Fairbanks for the weekend. It was Scott's birthday weekend. Even though they were going through a divorce (an living in separate towns), they had a son together and she wanted to stay friends. He showed up at her place around 11pm. He tried to have sex with her and she said no. She said no again, again, and again. He got mad and slammed his head into the wall three times. She got mad and told him to leave. She said she would pay for his cab ride back to the bar where his friends were, that he just had to leave.

Their marriage was never perfect. Whose is? They fought, but it gradually took on a more violent tone. He started to punch holes in walls and through stuff. Then he started to grab her, or push her, or take her phone. One day he held her down, pushed her on the ground, hit her, threw her phone so she couldn't call the police. All in front of their son who wasn't even one. She went to the police later and filed a report. They went and arrested him. He sat in jail for a day, then got out. When his work found out about it, a female Sgt. actually told her 'you should have called me not the police.' EXCUSE ME?!?!?! Since when does the military think domestic violence is ok?? Don't perpetuate the problem! There should be a zero tolerance policy! (and I can say with some certainty that in most shops, there is) The First Shirt who found about it didn't do anything about it either. Since he got away with it, nothing happened. On the civil end, the charges went no where. It was his first documented offense and they lowered it to assault and then basically let it go. (he told her that he would get kicked out of the military and wouldn't be able to pay any child support, so she dropped it and let it go)

The pattern was evident and she finally got up the courage to leave him. She went back to Canada for a few months so they could try to work things out and he could focus on trying harder. While she was gone, he cheated on her. That was the last straw for her (THAT?!?! REALLY?? He beat her and that was ok, but cheating was the end.... I'll never understand some people fully).

When she came back to the US in April of '09 she moved out. She stayed with me for a bit until she was on her feet. She got a god job and her own place. Even when she was staying with, the violence issues were evident. He would call her up and be fine one minute, then snap and freak out the next. He would come over to my house on occasion, but never when I was there. One day I came home to find his truck in my drive. I called Petrea and they came running out of the house. He hopped in his truck and took off. I asked her what was going on and she said he had pinned her against the wall and was screaming at her when I came home (now I know why he left so fast, I'm a lot bigger than he is). From then on, I had a "No Scott" rule. He wasn't allowed on my property, period. If I caught him there, she was out. I did this for her own good. If he was assaulting her in MY house, and I happened to come home..... there would have been hell to pay. And I just don't want that stuff in my house. It was for her own good, and he hadn't assaulted her since.

(fast forward to last night) After telling him to leave, he grabbed her and threw her down on her bed. He climbed on top of her and began to choke her. is hands were cutting off her air supply. She was afraid for her life. She looked over and saw their son sleeping in his pack-n-play next to her bed. She thought 'you're going to kill me right here in front of my son, you fucking ass hole.' She began to fight back and he let go. She called up a friend (not sure why) and he told her to call the police (she didn't). Scott grew even more angry, but finally left. Petrea locked the door and laid there afraid he would come back. He stayed outside her building and kept calling her, begging her to let him back in.

I called Petrea around 8:30 in the morning to see what she was up to and ask if she had talked to a mutual friend of ours. She said she had, but she hadn't seen him (I was worried about him since I hadn't heard from him and just felt something was wrong.... I right something was wrong, but wrong friend....). She said she had a long night and that Scott had come over drunk and beat the shit out of her. I lost it. I flew off the handle. I said NO MORE!!! I asked her who he worked for, she didn't know. I called up Deb whose husband went into work to find out who he worked for and who his first shirt is (and his phone number!). I told her as soon as she wakes up fully, she is to go down to the PD and file a report and get a restraining order. As soon as she does that she is to take it to the base police and file a report there and get the RO on paper there. She is then to call up his First Shirt. And I'll tell you this, the First Sgt WILL do something about it this time. If he doesn't a call is going to be made to the base commander. EVERY ONE in the military has a boss, and something will be done about Mr. Scott (and I should clarify, this is NOT my neighbor Scott.... my neighbor Scott is the one who went and got the phone number for me). He keeps on doing it because he gets away with it. He does it because he can. And Petrea, she's the perfect victim. Quiet, small, timid. Doesn't want to get any one in trouble. But, Petrea has me........... I am NOT a good victim. I am bigger and can hurt most people that try to hurt me. I'm loud and will make sure you pay the piper. Sometimes, the quiet ones need friends that aren't.

I Want to Kill Myself and My Husband is a Pucking Azzhole

Along with Cat, another character I saw this weekend was Rose. Rose is a middle aged, heavy set Asian woman. Last year she found her husband Mark cheating on her (Mark and my husband work together). Rose came home to find her husband in bed with another woman, naked, and banging. She called the other woman 'buffalo' because she was so over weight. Mark was told by his superior officers to stop the behavior immediately and to either work it out with his wife or divorce her. Mark chose divorce, only never really did it. Instead she moved out, then he moved in with her!! She kicked him out and off to Iraq he went. He continued to cheat on her through out his entire deployment.

Rose tried to turn him in again, and again, and again. Problem, the Master Sgt. in the shop was a total LOSER and refused to write up paper work on him (the military has strict rules on cheating, you can lose pay, get kicked out, or even tossed in jail). So he got away with the behavior. The behavior had no consequences, so he kept doing it.

Turns out Buffalo got pg! Now, I was thinking about timing and it doesn't seem to add up. The baby was born in April. He got back from Iraq in Jan/February. It was a 7.5 month deployment. That would have made her pg for 10 - 11 months. So, I'm having a hard time believing it's his, but that's his problem. He seems content with the woman he is with now, but I hate to break it to her, once a cheater always a cheater. Now, I know I know... not always. But in this guy's case, yeah, always. He was cheating on her before he went to Iraq! Rose had hacked into his Myspace account and found e-mails to tons of chicks. Talking about how much fun they've had and nasty pictures being sent to one another (I know this because she showed me and it was pretty gross stuff). Buffalo asked him about it (we forwarded some of the e-mails to her, she had a right to now!!) and he denied it, but the proof is in the pudding baby. It is, what it is.

When I saw her, the first thing she said to me was, 'You'll never guess what the pucking azzhole did Keem! I'm so pucking mad.' (she has a very heavy accent and it's hilarious when she cusses) Rose said that she'd been sooo sick about the entire situation that she'd been sick all the time. She even thought about killing herself. Now, is it just me or does there seem to be an abundance of people trying to commit suicide?? :( She said that she called the shop asking for my phone number and they wouldn't give it out to her (she is a little on the crazy side), so I told her I'd try to stop by her work and check up on her every now and then.

I Tried to Kill Myself and I'm Gay

I said yesterday that I've had quite the week and I ran into a few people that I hadn't seen.

One person I haven't seen in ages (since before Benji was born) is Cat. Cat is married to Randy and they have a son named Aut (not really of course). Their son and K used to play together all the time. Randy went to Iraq last year. Cat is also active duty air force. While in Iraq Cat cheated on him (did I mention there's a lot of cheating in the military??). Cat was pretty open about it, didn't hide it. He spent the night, came over hen lots of people were at her house. It wasn't a secret. I was friends ith Rochelle, whose husband Bill worked ith Randy. Of course when Rochelle found out about it she told her husband. Who turned around and told Randy.

Randy turns it all around and says Cat can't hang out with any of us and it's all our fault (HELLO!! Idiot). She drops off the face of the earth and I don't hear from her. My old roomie Casey was around during all of this and then went home. A few months ago he moves back up here. I was down in Anch. with him back in May and Cat wanted to meet up with him. She shows up and doesn't really say too much to me. What do you say? I didn't know what to say, how she was feeling, ect. I didn't know if she hated me or was mad at me (even though she had no reason to be, but she just kind of disappeared, so who knows). We part ways and I don't hear from her again for a while.

Cat's PCS time is here and she's moving to Montana. She got in her car and headed out on Tuesday. She had a box of Casey's stuff in her garage from last year. He didn't want her to just disappear with it, so he asked her to drop it off at my house, which I had said was fine. I am up in the shower and my cousin, who was still visiting, come up and tells me that Cat is at the door and she wants to wait for me to get out of the shower. I say that's fine and to invite her in.

I dry off and go downstairs to find Cat sitting on my couch. It was weird at first and then things get back to normal. She said she was never mad at me or anything, but was going through some stuff.

Turns out her husband came home and things just got bad. She was REALLY unhappy. At one point she had tried to overdose on medication. She said she was really depressed. Then she went out to the bar one night with Casey back in May/June and things turned around for her.... so she says. She met a woman. Yes, I typed that correct.... a woman. She is now in a relationship with this woman. The other girl is moving out to Montana as soon as Cat gets there and they are going to raise the 3 kids (other woman has a son and daughter) together. The other woman was a military wife. She had a husband that was AD AF (actually worked with Cat). He was supposedly physically and emotionally abusive, so the woman left him. Then started to shaggin' with Cat.

We had a few laughs and joked about Cat being the 'man' in the relationship and who wears the strap on (yeah, Cat wears it). It was good to see her, but I'm not sure how happy she really is. She still seemed sad and lost. I guess only time will tell, but I hope for her son's sake, she doesn't attempt to commit suicide again.

I'm Coming Home

It's the phone call you LOVE to get. Very few phone calls involving a deployment/the military are good. None as good as this one. It's the phone call saying your loved one is coming home.

The military made an error in our favor. No, that never happens. They messed up a flight schedule for the guys in TX that are going to Iraq. My husband should be home in around two weeks, instead of three. It's the military so nothing is for sure until it's actually happening, but it's something to hang on to.

You always have a fight before they get home, then some huge fight when they are actually home. It's the stress of the upcoming homecoming and the stress of trying to adjust to married life again. Every one does it, and it's normal. But it still sucks!! This will be our third big homecoming (not counting his R&R from Korea). So we're kind of used to it and getting better at managing the stress of it all. But we're still human and we still fight.

The fighting is all worth it though, to hold them in your arms again.

Motto: If we didn't do the procedure, you aren't our problem

I will start by saying that I go to the gym about 5 days a week. It allows to me work out the frustrations that go along with being a military wife, but also the wife of a deployed military member. Things like sexual frustration (if you're not the cheating kind), frustration with your children and daughter who constantly says 'No' and 'I miss my daddy!!,' frustration with your husband for not calling or writing. Frustration for being thousands of miles away from family/friends this entire deployment and no one coming to visit you and not being able to afford the $2,000 to fly you and the kids home.

I go to the gym at about the same time every morning. I got to know some of the other regulars over the summer. One 'set' is a couple in their 80's, Kurt and Betty, and their son Kurt (in his 60's I suppose). Kurt Sr. is retired AF and so is Kurt Jr. Kurt Jr. was an officer, not sure about Kurt Sr. Ms. Betty is the cutest old woman I have ever met. She lifts her weights and then walks around the play equipment that is in the center of the building (huge building, in the middle is a playground for kids, a track around it, table to one side, and exercise equipment on the other side). I mean she is just a go getter.

All of that info. is important at some point, I promise.

I have skin cancer. I had the spots removed over 2 weeks ago, at a dermatologist office base. I had five stitches in one arm and three in the other. I was told they would dissolve in two weeks and if not to go in and have them removed.

Two weeks later, they were still in there. Rather than spending more money out of my pocket I called the base and asked if I could go in and have my PCM (primary care manager, AKA doctor)take them out. They said that the surgery center has a walk in wound care clinic and they can remove my stitches, I don't need to wait on an apt with my PCM. SWEET!

I go straight to the hospital and up the elevator to the second floor. I step off the elevator and some place behind me I hear a tiny voice say 'HEY! What are you doing here?!?!' I turn around and there's Ms. Betty!! (aren't you glad I told you who she was?!) She is wearing hospital gowns, but no where near the regular clinic. I ask her what happened and she said that she had her gallbladder taken out the night before (Sunday). I sympathize with her for a minute and tell her I'm there to get my stitches out. She says she needs to talk to someone that works there, that's she's lost. She said they sent her to walk around for a bit and now can't find her room (she was no where near any patient rooms, so I had no idea where she came from). I say, 'well I'm going to the surgery center and I bet that's where you were, since you had surgery. Come with me and we'll get you back to your room.'

We get to the desk and the guys asks how he can help us, I tell him to take care of Ms. Betty first. She explains she doesn't know where her room is and she needs to get back. He says 'do you know where you were? what center you were in?' Now, let me get this straight..... this little old lady says she's LOST and you ask her if you know where she is supposed to be. Uhhhhh, if she knew where she was supposed to be, don't you think she could have followed the signs back there!!! I'm just sayin'. Now I'm getting a litte frustrated with this guy because you can see it is embarrassing her and she needs to rest too. She tells him she was in room 210 and the guy again asks what center. She says she doesn't know, again. At this point, I've had enough and step in. I tell her to go sit down, I'll deal with this Sgt. I say, 'She had SURGERY! we're at the *gasp* surgery center!! How many room 210's do you have?!?! Call back to the clinic behind you!' Does he do that? No. He starts to call all over the hospital and no one has a patient by that name (I would also like to point out, had he called the admissions desk, they could have told this idiot where she belonged). Now I'm really mad. I yell, 'CALL THE DESK BEHIND YOU!! Call the surgery center!' So he does (I could have taken this guy ;) ). A Lt. answers the phone, he asks if they have a pt. Betty X back there. The Lt. says yes, bring her back! (w/o the Sgt. telling the Lt. we had Ms. Betty)

I turn around and say "Betty! How long have you been walking for?!?! They know you're missing!" lol She says it hasn't been that long. This is also the 80 yo woman who walks at least 2 miles every morning... so she was probably gone for a while. She was still embarrassed and even saying 'this is so embarrassing.' So to take her out of the 'I'm old and lost mentality' I told her, 'I'm going to tell Mr. Kurt that I caught you trying to escape! If I hadn't captured you, the jailbird, you were going to make a break for it!!' I get her to laugh and re-assure her it's not a big deal at all (and to be fair, that hospital is very poorly designed and I can never find the clinic I need.... tiny hallways that are hidden behind bathrooms and all kinds of weird crap).

The guy takes her back to her room then comes to get me to remove my stitches. This is the same guy I'm not totally pleased with. We get to the exam room and I tell him what's going on. He says that since I didn't have them done there, a doctor needs to come in and take a look before he can remove them

A Coln. walks in. Here we go. He says hi, asks whats going on. I tell him I need my stitches out. he takes a look and says, these look like dissolvable stitches. Oh really?! I didn't know that, moron. Of course they are dissolve stitches, but have they dissolved?? noooooooooooooooooooo. It's been two week, they said to have them removed so here I am.

"what did you need stitches for?" I got into a knife fight with a Russian mobster, what the hell does the reason matter for? Stop being nosey and take out my stitches. "I have skin cancer" I say. I go on to say that I think the one side is infected. "Why do you think that?" Because I thought it would be fun to say. HELLO!! "It's REALLY bothering me, still sore. Oh and PUSS COMES OUT when you barely brush it." He says "it's probably just skin." Oh really? Because even my 10 year old niece can tell the difference between SKIN and puss.

He cuts out the stitches and goes "OH! You have a very nasty infection in there. There's a roaring monster in there." Really?? Say it isn't so, or that I hadn't just said that. He says I need to make a follow up in a couple days with the doc that did it.

WHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT?!?!? I'm at the WOUND CLINIC! You are a WOUND DOCTOR!! I am a patient, with a wound. I have a CRAZY idea, how about you treat me!! Ah well, the military didn't do the procedure, so why should we waste our time fixing it?! Oh did I mention that the doc. normally doesn't remove stitches that the NCO's do... and the NCO stood there, in the room, holding this little tool kit for the doctor (and by tool kit I mean a pair of tweezers).

Ahhhh, the glorious life I live as a military wife.

You need to call the Red Cross

"Why? It wont do any good." Is the first thought I had when talking to my husband's new 'leader' in the shop.

It started last week when I noticed that a lump on one arm and a spot on the other had grown a bit in the last few months. I went to the doctor yesterday morning and she confirmed what I had thought. That one looked like a basil carcinoma (sp?) and the other looked like a melanoma.

The BCC you just punch out, sew the skin shut, and watch for any more. If you're going to have skin cancer, that's the best kind to have!! If there is such a thing as a 'good' kind of cancer.

The melanoma, not so much. I asked them to remove it yesterday and she wouldn't go near it. She said that it looked bad that they weren't sure how much skin around it would need to be remove also to get a clean border. So I have to go see a dermatologist and have them biopsy it.

I left the office ok. I had prepared myself for what was to come, as you can see what it is by just looking at it. I tried to ready myself for the blow of having it confirmed that it is what you fear. I then tried to call my mom and tell her. I couldn't do it. I managed to squeak out "I'll call you back." and hang up. I haven't had the best of luck in my life. I have had pre-cancer tissue removed from my sinuses, I have tumor still in one of my sinuses, I've had my tonsils out, my appendix out, two emergency c-sections, I just found out that I have arthritis in my knees, and my asthma is getting worse. I have the crappy genetics of this family. My FOUR brothers are all as healthy as can be. My mom has had lots of bouts with different cancers and my dad, skin cancer. So how do you tell them that your baby girl has cancer? Don't I have enough going on in my life?

I call James' shop to let them know. I told them I wasn't sure what kind of help I was looking for because I didn't know how bad, or not so bad things were. I needed to have the biopsy in order to get a grasp on the totality of the circumstance. Was it something they could just remove and I'd be fine?? Would I need chemo in a bottle (it's a lotion that you apply to the skin)? Would I need regular chemotherapy? How bad is this monster? I think it's early enough that it is something we just remove and I'll be fine. But I wont know until we get in there.

His 'boss' told me to call the Red Cross and request James to come home. His tour is up in just 4 weeks anyway, but he needs to be home to support me and hold my hand when I have surgery. It's something that I don't want to go through alone.

But the truth of the matter is, the Red Cross sucks. You have strangers behind a desk making a decision about who stays and who goes. These people don't know you, what you're going through, or you entire situation. They don't know anything about the military. They aren't medical professionals. They are random citizens that volunteer or get paid by the Red Cross to make these choices for other people.

So what do I do when I get the phone call later today that the Red Cross 'doesn't approve it' even though his shop here send him home?? I try to find someone nice enough to watch my kids for me while I go in and have these spots removed. Then, when I get the results I sit alone in my room, crying. I either just got awesome news and I'm grateful it's over for now or I just found out I'm going to need more treatment and sob by myself.

Either way, no one should have to go through this alone. I'm over 4,000 miles away from my family and relying on strangers to help get me through things in life that your family should be there for.

Oh, the glorious life of a military wife.

Day 1 & 2

He's gone. My husband is on his way to a world I know nothing of. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like over there. The first day or so is the hardest. You're in your home that you share. Everything reminds you of him. You can still smell him and see his things, but you can't feel him. You'd give anything to have that last hug back.

Day 1:

I ended up getting a room on base so that I could spend those last few hours with J. We went out to dinner with some of other people deploying with him and then went back to our room. I got K in her PJs and tucked into bed. Then J came in to say good night to her. It was horrible. I had to leave the room so that K wouldn't see me so upset. He explained to her that he had to go to work and that he wouldn't be there in the morning. That he'd be gone for a very long time, but that he loved her and she needed to help me around the house. She said 'ok, love you!' and went to sleep.

I laid with J out on the sleeper sofa in the hotel room, just holding him. Trying to enjoy every last min. we'd have together. He fell asleep almost right away (it had been a very long night the night before when we said our goodbye's and he finished packing, ect.). I just laid there listening to him breathe, enjoying the last hug. At 1 am I woke him and told it was time for him to go. How horrible to have to tell you DH (dear husband) it's time for them to leave you and know you wont be able to see them for months on end.

He got up, called his shop to have someone come pick him up from the room. He kissed me goodbye and then quietly slipped out the door. He came back a few minutes later to give me another kiss good bye. Then he was gone. I laid alone in a hotel room, next to our new born son, crying.

My husband is an amazing person, doing an amazing job. He serves his country and helps keep millions of people safe at night and ensures their basic rights are never taken away.

I woke up in the morning and fed the baby. K came out shortly after and I watched Dora with her. I got her dressed and packed up the van. We went and got some food and made the long drive home. I made it all morning without a tear. We got home and I opened the front door and just lost it. I knew that my husband wasn't going to come home tonight.

K came up to me when I was crying and said 'Why sad? don't cry mommy, no worry.' She did fine and just said that daddy was at work and went about her day like nothing was different. Someone came to the door and she yelled "Daddy's home!" I had to explain to her again that no, daddy wasn't home and he wouldn't be home for a long time. I talked to another wife "T", via text off and on. She was having a rough first day too (her DH is with mine on this deployment).

I got to talk to J several times throughout the day and that helped to lift my spirit. I made K and myself dinner, then she wanted to take a bath. I got her bath set up and she jumped in. I was laying on the floor playing with B, when I heard K get out of the tub (she normally calls me and asks for my help and a towel). I looked up and saw her standing naked and wet in the hall. She started to cry and said 'Daddy's not home!' I got her a towel and hugged her and said no, daddy's not home. It finally hit her when daddy wasn't home for dinner and then for bath. He's always home in time for a bath.

I put her to bed and crawled into my own bed. It was my first full night at home, alone. I just cried and cried. It's sooooo difficult to deal with the fact that your Dh is soooooo far away and in harms way. It's even worse knowing there is NOTHING you can do or say to change that or help protect them. "T" ended up calling me as she was laying awake too. We just chatted and it took my mind away from things. I was able to fall asleep after our long chat, it was so nice. It was just a great distraction.

Day 2:

Kayla woke up this morning and I sat her down for breakfast. She just sat at the table, looking at her Cheerios crying saying daddy was gone. J called and she got to talk to him for a little bit and it seemed to help her. She went down stairs to play with her toys and has been laughing ever since.

I'm doing great today. I've gotten to talk to J a few times (he's still in the US, doing training before he leaves for over there) and I know he's still safe. I've adjusted to being away from him (this isn't our first rodeo) and spent the morning cleaning and doing laundry.

Our third (his fourth) deployment is now underway.

Sit down and buckle up. Share the journey and the experience with me and thousands of other military wives. Things are going to be scary, lonely, exciting, heartbreaking, and wonderful. Soon the sad stories of cheating, death, injury, family issues, ect. will start (it doesn't take long sadly enough). I seem to know an ever increasing number of wives that are away from the husbands right now and I look forward to hearing their experiences and being able to share them with you, good and bad.

The life of a military wife is a complicated, dynamic one that only other military wives seem to really understand.