I Want to Kill Myself and My Husband is a Pucking Azzhole

Along with Cat, another character I saw this weekend was Rose. Rose is a middle aged, heavy set Asian woman. Last year she found her husband Mark cheating on her (Mark and my husband work together). Rose came home to find her husband in bed with another woman, naked, and banging. She called the other woman 'buffalo' because she was so over weight. Mark was told by his superior officers to stop the behavior immediately and to either work it out with his wife or divorce her. Mark chose divorce, only never really did it. Instead she moved out, then he moved in with her!! She kicked him out and off to Iraq he went. He continued to cheat on her through out his entire deployment.

Rose tried to turn him in again, and again, and again. Problem, the Master Sgt. in the shop was a total LOSER and refused to write up paper work on him (the military has strict rules on cheating, you can lose pay, get kicked out, or even tossed in jail). So he got away with the behavior. The behavior had no consequences, so he kept doing it.

Turns out Buffalo got pg! Now, I was thinking about timing and it doesn't seem to add up. The baby was born in April. He got back from Iraq in Jan/February. It was a 7.5 month deployment. That would have made her pg for 10 - 11 months. So, I'm having a hard time believing it's his, but that's his problem. He seems content with the woman he is with now, but I hate to break it to her, once a cheater always a cheater. Now, I know I know... not always. But in this guy's case, yeah, always. He was cheating on her before he went to Iraq! Rose had hacked into his Myspace account and found e-mails to tons of chicks. Talking about how much fun they've had and nasty pictures being sent to one another (I know this because she showed me and it was pretty gross stuff). Buffalo asked him about it (we forwarded some of the e-mails to her, she had a right to now!!) and he denied it, but the proof is in the pudding baby. It is, what it is.

When I saw her, the first thing she said to me was, 'You'll never guess what the pucking azzhole did Keem! I'm so pucking mad.' (she has a very heavy accent and it's hilarious when she cusses) Rose said that she'd been sooo sick about the entire situation that she'd been sick all the time. She even thought about killing herself. Now, is it just me or does there seem to be an abundance of people trying to commit suicide?? :( She said that she called the shop asking for my phone number and they wouldn't give it out to her (she is a little on the crazy side), so I told her I'd try to stop by her work and check up on her every now and then.

"Your baby had to go to the NICU"

December 14th/15th/16th, 2008

Sat. (the 14th) came and I was still having ctx., but only every 15 min. or so. Most of them were ok, but there were a few that stopped me in my tracks.

Sun. I woke up and felt 'off'. I just didn't feel well at all and I was really crampy (like AF cramps). I ate a pop tart for breakfast and just laid around on the couch not feeling well. Noon rolled around and I still wasn't feeling very good. The ctx. were about every 15 min. or so, but I felt sick. I had a few pieces of toast for lunch and that was all. I went back to sitting on the couch feeling yucky.

At 2pm the ctx. picked up to every 5 min. apart and were hurting. I took a bath, didn't help. I drank about 80 oz. of water, that didn't help. I got out a heating pad, that didn't help. I couldn't eat dinner at all and I noticed that Ben wasn't moving much. At about 6pm I realized things were NOT getting better but much worse. The ctx. were every 3-5 min. at that point and pretty painful. I called my doc. and they said to go back into L&D to get looked at again. We dropped off Kayla at the sitter and headed into the hospital. When I got there the ctx were every 2-3 min. apart and HORRIBLE! The ctx themselves weren't awful, but the pain at my old scar tissue area was wicked bad. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the lower abdomen or that my uterus was ripping apart. I got checked and my cervix was at 0cm ( the week before it was like a 1.5) and 20% effaced, baby was so high they couldn't even feel him. They started IV fluid and got me something for the nausea (because of the pain I was in I felt sick). After a while the ctx. were every 30sec.-3min. They checked me and I was at a 1. I got meds for the pain and was still having ctx. regularly. They checked me again and I was a 1.5. They knew Ben's lungs weren't ready yet (they were measuring 34weeks gestation) so I would have to be transported 45 min. to Anchorage to the Children's hospital where the only level III NICU in the state is. They asked if I still wanted a VBAC to which I said no. I know I could have gotten an epi. for the pain, but the ctx. weren't that bad (not compared to the other pain). I felt very unsure about the other pain and thought something else was up. The scar tissue pain shouldn't have been like it was and they thought I had a hematoma and adhesion's on the inside where Ben's head was hitting it. So I felt safest doing a c-section.

They called an ambulance, I got loaded up, and I was off to Anchorage. They checked me before we left and I was at 2 cm. They called guardian flight ambulance services. They have all the same equipment that med flight does and have the same 'staff' on board. They have a complete pharmacy and everything needed to deliver a baby on board. The hospital also had to send down my nurse, who brought two more bags with equipment to help in the delivery of a baby. I was dilating quickly enough, they weren't sure we'd make it. There were so many people and so much equipment in the ambulance that there was no room for James to ride with. He followed us down there and later told me the slowest we were going at any point was 80.

I started to feel some weird pressure during ctx. only and the nurse said she needed to check me again. She waited until just after a ctx. and then checked me, I was at a 3 (in just 2 hours). The driver asked if he needed to step it up and I said I was fine, lol..... because like I can control how fast my cervix opens..... riiiiiiiiight. They had to check my bp periodically also. we got about 20 miles outside of town and my bp dropped. It was 80/50 and the two people in back couldn't really believe it. The nurse (Julie) asked how I was feeling and I told her ok, just had a headache. So they checked my bp again right away and it was 60/50. The driver again is asking if he should go faster, and I think at that point, he just did. So, they immediately grab me and roll me onto my side. The baby was laying on a main artery and cutting off my blood supply I guess. After rolling me over, my bp went back up to normal.

We get to Anchorage (in what seemed like no time at all, it couldn't have taken more than 30 min. MAX) and I'm wheeled back to a huge delivery room. The hospital checked me again and I was at a 2 (diff. person checking me), but the baby's head was now 'right there' and I had lots of bloody show. A woman came in and asked me if I still wanted to try the VBAC to which I said no, because I didn't think it was safe for me or baby. They got the team together and got me ready for a c-section. I was taken into the OR and given a spinal. They had 2 OBs there, a neonatologist, and a perinatalogist (the ONLY one in the state!!), plus all the other nurses, some residents, and a ped. The spinal went in fine and they got me all draped. James was brought in just after the drape went up. It was strangely quiet during this c-section.

During my first with Kayla people were talking and it was calm. James sat there holding my hand and we waited. Before I knew it they were sucking out the fluid and the anesth. said the doc. was going to push really hard to get the baby out (and push they did!!). Finally they said 'the baby's here!'

There were no screams or cries. The held him over the drape for half a second and he was the smallest, cutest thing I had ever seen. They took him over to the warmer right away. It was so silent in there you could hear a pin drop. Instead of a pin drop all I could hear was the sound of an oxygen bag being pumped steadily and quickly. The nurses were all around the warmer and they had James stand in my way, so I couldn't see. I didn't need to see, the sound said it all. My baby wasn't breathing. I just laid there in shock praying for him to take a breathe. What seemed like 30 min. passed. After an actual min., he took his first breath and made his first little 'meow'. All the nurses kind of cheered and the tension suddenly died. James got up and was over by Ben (I found out alter he was cutting what was left of the cord). Ben's one min. apgar score was only a 3. I still couldn't see what was going on and just laid there. All the sudden I felt sick. I told them I was going to be sick and they got me a small pail thing and said 'go ahead and throw up.' To which I said, 'WHAT?!?! I'll choke and die!!' LOL SURELY since I was laying down, if I threw up I was going to die. The anesth. put drugs in my IV to help me not get sick, which didn't get in soon enough. It was just bile since I hadn't eaten in over 12 hours, but the anesth. was right there with a suction and I didn't choke.... or die :O)

They brought Ben over for a second (thank God the nausea meds. kicked in, otherwise I would have asked them to take him away!). I got to give him a kiss and tell him I loved him. Then he was off to the NICU, James went with.

I laid there, alone, in silence, while they finished up the surgery. It seemed to be taking FOREVER and I asked how much longer it was going to take. They said they were almost done and that they'd talk to me about it later. That's never a good thing to hear!

I got to recovery and they said that Ben was out of the NICU and in the step down nursery. A little while later, James came in. We chatted about the baby and he asked how I was doing. Then a nurse came in and asked if I knew Ben was back in the NICU. I said no as I held back the tears. James told the nurse he hadn't told me yet because he didn't want to upset me.
Ben had spent 30 min. in the NICU and did fine, so they sent him down to the regular nursery. He had low blood sugar so they tried to give him some formula, where he chocked on it and stopped breathing, so back up to NICU he went. He started to have apnea spells where his oxygen levels dropped as well as his breathing.

When I was able to move my legs, they transferred me to my post-partum room. I was on a morphine pump when I got there. As soon as my pump was emtpy 12 hours after the surgery, I was allowed to walk down to see Ben. I got into the NICU and had to scrub in, just to go see my child. We went to the Intensive care part of the NICU. Ben was in the first bed and he was hooked up to all kinds of machines. It took everything I had not to break down in tears. They let me hold him on my chest for a while. When it was time for us to go, I laid him down, and he stopped breathing. My heart sunk as I watched his lips turn blue. The nurse grabbed him and quickly stimulated him. I went back to my room in shock that my baby was sick.

The next day they moved him to the 'step down' NICU. He was discharged on Friday, Dec. 19th at 12:30pm.

On Tuesday morning the perinatologist came in to see how I was doing. I asked her what had happened during the surgery and what she saw. I said there HAD to be something wrong in there with all the pain I was in. She said that my uterus was bruised from front to back all long my old scar tissue. She said the bruising was very extensive and bad. She also said that the old scar was very thin in some places and had I been allowed to labor any longer, I would have abrupted. She said that had I tried the VBAC, my uterus would have burst open and we would have ended up in an emergency c-section, where Ben and I both may have died. She said that the scar was so bruised and thin that she had to overlap parts or my uterus, just to get it to stitch back together. She said that I should never 'labor' again. I'm very grateful for Dr. Richey. She saved my uterus and gave me the option of having more children some day, should that be what we decide.

I'm doing good and feel great considering what all we've been through the last few days.
I got to the hospital by house around 7:30pm on the 14th. I was in Anchorage by 12:30am on the 15th, and Ben was out by 2:28am.

So, Benjamin David was born at 2:28am, on Dec. 15th. He weighed 6lbs 4oz and is 20 inches long.

Your baby's lungs aren't mature

Dec. 12th, 2008

I went to my apt. yesterday as planned. I had been in false labor for days. No big deal, except that during and after every contraction I was in HORRIBLE pain down low, where I guessed my scar tissue from my first c-section was. Did the NST, Ben did his normal fail and took and hour and a half to 'pass.' I get into the room, they do the GBS test and check my cervix. I told my doc. about the sharp stabbing pain. I was worried if I was went into labor that i would abrupt or something because it hurt so bad. She agreed and said I need an u/s ASAP to look at the scar and make sure it isn't too thin. So I scheduled with the front desk person for an u/s on Weds. and went about my way home.

I got half way home when my fav. nurse Beverly calls. I answer the phone and it went something like this:
Nurse: "Kimberly........ this is Bev"
Me: "Hi Beverly!! " (she's my fav., I really like her)
Nurse: "what are you doing?"
Me: "going home!"
Nurse: "No, you need to get your little butt over to L&D right away for an u/s!"

So I head over there, get set up and hooked up to monitors..... I'm contracting about every 5-10 min. and the pain in the scar tissue area is still there. They wheel me down to u/s and take a peak. I tell her where it hurts and it IS exactly on my scar line. But she couldn't see how thick the scar was or anything because Ben's head was pushed right up against it. He did measure 6lbs, 11oz. though! And was practicing his breathing.

So I head back to Triage and I'm still contracting and the pain is getting worse. My OB says to start an IV to try to slow down the ctx. so that I don't hurt as bad. It took them TWO hours to get an IV in me!! (keep in mind I had water at the OBs office and two large glasses since sitting there, my veins just disappeared!) They had to call down a peds nurse and she couldn't get it! Finally they called down a pedi. DOCTOR and she was able to get an IV in, after about 10 min. of digging in my hand, ouch! I got stuck a total of 6 times and am all bruised up from it..... fun. So, IV went in and fluids started. the ctx. got WORSE! They were stronger and only 2-3 min. apart. The ctx. themselves weren't that bad at all, but the scar tissue pain was getting worse and worse with every contraction. Finally my OB says admit her and they gave me drugs to take the edge off...... no one said it would make me feel drunk though! I felt great! We got settled into our room and were told to get some sleep. They were to do an amnio. in the am and if all went well, c/s in the afternoon. Someone came in to draw blood (yet another needle poke!), but it only took one stick. They gave me something to make me sleep, and off I went at about 11pm.

At 7am I got up for my second blood draw (yup, ANOTHER needle poke) and got ready for my amnio. I hadn't had anything to eat since 11am the day before and they took away all liquids at midnight :cry: They did an u/s there in my room to find a spot for the amnio. My fluid level had DROPPED a lot from the u/s the night before. Which, doesn't make any sense to me since they were packing me full of IV fluid all night but, whatever. In every quadrant Ben had a limb, face, cord, or placenta. finally they found a spot, number the skin and did the stick. OF COURSE, he moved into the way and they had to pull it out. They found a new spot and did another stick!! Ok, seriously, enough with the needles already! They got what they needed and we started the wait.

At 10:30 they found out his lungs weren't good enough, but didn't have any numbers back, since the lab here isn't that good. So they had to hire a Currier (sp)/private jet to fly my amnio. down to CA. They'll have the full results tomorrow, but will give me a call on Monday. With those results they'll be able to tell what day would be best to take him out. As soon as he's ready, they're going to pull him out. It could be Mon., but shouldn't be any later than Friday.

As for the pain........ the scar itself looked great and REALLY thick. It looked like there were a bunch of adhesions on the inside of it, so where the baby is and a small hematoma (sp?). Because his hard head is right on top of the scar and I've been ctx., with every ctx his head is slammed into the scar tissue causing the bleeding. So, that's their explanation of the pain. Since I'm at home and not at the hospital, I can only take Tylenol. But I REALLY wanted to come home and see my DD and get some final stuff ready. I'm on strict bed rest again, so I can only get up to pee, eat, and shower. DH took next week off work, and then his holiday leave starts on Friday, so that's good. I was sooooooo beyond amazed at how good he was. All he wanted to do was help me and make sure I was comfy. Of course, all I wanted was total silence and to be left alone.......

James, we lost the baby.

Our quest for baby #2 begin in October of 2006 when James was home on R&R. I didn't get pg.

We continued trying in May 2007, when he got home from Korea. Nothing.

Then in June we found out we were pregnant! We'd done it! It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with our daughter, it should be just as easy this time. Just a week after I found out I was pregnant I started to bleed. There was no more baby. It was hard, but nothing compared to what we were approaching.

In July we found out we were pregnant again!! SUCCESS! This was it. This was going to be a healthy baby and I couldn't wait to hold him/her in my arms. Two weeks later I started to bleed again. I'd lost another baby. I couldn't believe it. This one was harder than the last. Was there something wrong with me? Was there something wrong with my babies? What was going on? The military doctors were of no help and wouldn't even see me.

In September I found out I was pregnant again. I cried. I knew this baby would die to, just like the last two. I made an appointment to see the doctor. I went in two weeks after I found out I was pregnant (the base has this 'rule' that they wont see you unless you are two weeks late). I had my blood drawn and my HCG was already down to a 1. This was my third miscarriage in a row. I cried and cried, and then cried some more. How could I go home and tell my husband that we'd lost our fourth baby (there was one before Kayla, while he was in training in Texas). I'd failed as a mother and a wife. My body was rejecting our children. What was wrong with me??

I FINALLY got in to see the doctor and they began testing me. I was having a progesterone issue. I would ovulate, but weekly and my prog. level wouldn't get high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I was given the medication Clomid (and metformin) to make me ovulate better. The first month on it, I ovulated! WOO HOOO! My body was working. My numbers were getting better, but still weren't perfect.

The second month on it, I just KNEW it was going to be the month. Sure enough, I got pregnant. I was on infertility meds., this pregnancy was going to work out and I was going to be pregnant and hold my child! I went in for testing and a day later I was bleeding. My blood levels came back again, to show low progesterone.

I couldn't stop crying. My body had once again let me down. Let my child down. Let my husband down. I quit. I decided I couldn't do it any more and that maybe we were meant to just have one child. I couldn't take the ups and downs any more. I now had five babies in heaven..... I wanted my babies to play with me, not Jesus.

Summer Twilight by Amy Harris

When first we knew you were alive, we danced for joy.

We fell down on our knees and prayed for a healthy girl or boy.

We dreamed of how our hearts would soar when we held your tiny frame.

You never even had a name, and yet we loved you just the same.

Chorus:

Why did you have to leave us befor we could see your face,

Touch your hair, dry your tears, or feel your sweet embrace?

You are safe and warm now with our Father who knows best.

He'll take care, and we'll see you there when we come into His rest.

Would you have had your daddy's hands, or your mama's eyes?

Would you have spent the summer twilight just chasing firefiles?

Would your grandpa teach you how to fish on a clear blue mountain lake?

Blow out the candles on your cake! What kinds of wishes would you make?

Chorus:We never heard your laughter, we never saw your smile.

We never looked into your eyes to say, "I love you, my child."

We never got to hold you and kiss away your fears.

Oh God, Oh God, please hold us and wipe away our tears!

Dear little one, it seems too soon to say goodbye,

And though we know it's not for long, our hearts still cry.

By faith we put our hope in God, in His strong and loving hand.

We're trusting in His perfect plan, but still we do not understand....
Oh baby, we'll see you when we come into His rest.