WHAT?!?! Is that what I think it is?!?!

DH and I have gone through a bit of infertility. While it isn't a long time compared to others, two years is hard on any woman trying to become pregnant.

While it seems that in the military almost everyone just gets pg., that couldn't be farther from the truth. I know a lot of women who just pop out babies no problem. I also know a lot of women who have a really difficult time. Living on a military makes this hard. When ever there is a huge unit homecoming, there are always babies. There's now a 'boom' and every where you look you see a pg. woman. This is REALLY hard if you are one of those women who have a difficult time. You go in to see the doctor and are surrounded by pg. women. To look at them makes you hurt inside. While some of them may have had a struggle and you are happy for them, you are sad for you! It's hard, period. You want to be a 'good' person and be happy for everyone..... some women are 'bitter', but really most of them are just sad for them. And that's OK. It's OK for you to be happy for someone else and sad for you. There's nothing wrong with hurting and feeling pain for something you need in your life.

Ben's birth was horrible, at best. It left me with a lot of scar tissue. What it took to have him was 2 years of trying and medical help. We were told we'd probably never get pg. again for a lot of reasons, at least not on our own.

We went to FL and had a great time!! We came home and got settled back into life here. About 3 weeks later I wasn't feeling well. At Christmas time I felt kind of gross, but thought nothing of it. I took a pregnancy test on New Years because I felt 'off.' I'd been pregnant 7 times and kind of knew what to expect or what it felt like. Sure enough, it was positive. I went in and started to have blood tests done every 48 hours for a few weeks. I had less than 1% chance of even getting pg. and the chances of an early miscarriage were extremely high for me.

It took over a week for the utter shock to wear off. Then it was fear. I'd lost so many pregnancies. This was now my eighth pregnancy and I only have two children. I had a cat scan while technically pg, but didn't have any idea. I was worried that if the baby did make it there would be something life-threatening wrong.



So far, so good. I am now in my second trimester and if everything goes well, we will be having our third child in mid-August. This is the smoothest pregnancy I've ever had, in terms of pregnancy. I have been REALLY really sick though. I had a flu bug and had to get IV fluids. I then had a nasty sinus infection which needs antibiotics. I then got fluid in my lungs. My healthy has been total crap, but none of it is pregnancy related. Go figure.

That is why I have been MIA. I'm hardly on the computer and when I am it's just to catch up with friends and family and then I'm off!! But, I promise to be better from now on :)

It's a............

August, 2008
BOY!! We are just over the moon to be adding a baby boy to our family.

Sept. 9th
Ahhh, to be at viability. Just 7 days away!! the large milestones just seem to keep coming and going and I couldn't be happier. Ben is a VERY active baby. He throws really good punches and kicks. His favorite place is straight down into my bladder, what a nice baby. lol The last few days he's been kicking up higher and it's nice to actually be able to SEE my belly move now. When he kicks down I can feel it (it HURTS), but it can't be seen or felt from the outside. So daddy hasn't been to feel very many kicks yet, even though I get nailed throughout the day. Ben just started kicking me in my bladder as if he knows I'm talking about him, lol. He has about 3-4 good 'wake' periods a day now where he moves/kicks for a good 45 min. at a time, not just random movements throughout the day. I still have those of course, but when he's 'awake,' he's REALLY awake. It's such a weird change for me because Kayla was always so gentle and never really kicked, but it was more like a dance. I'm really enjoying some of those good strong movements because it makes me feel like he's healthy and strong in there. My back has hurt most of the pg., but not like it was with Kayla's. It's tolerable and I can still stand for longer periods of time. So that's also a very nice change. My hips are starting to hurt now as Ben gets heavier. That gets worse every day (it only started a week ago) and it's hard to think I have a good 14 weeks of it left!! All of the physical pain is very worth the reward in the end!!

Sept. 11th

So I went in today for my regular 4 week checkup. I found out I'm having a DECEMBER baby!! I've had chronic high bp this entire pg., so knew this was coming.... Normally my BP is through the roof when I go in, but today it wasn't horrible. They still put me on Aldomet starting today. I have to take it 3X a day until Ben is here and they'll up the dose as needed. Because of the meds. they have to start doing growth scan at 28-32 weeks, every week until he's born. They will not let me go past 39 weeks (last week in December) because of the meds. I'm on also. So, heart meds., baby in December, and u/s in the am. I can't believe I get to meet my little boy in just 3 months!!

James, we lost the baby.

Our quest for baby #2 begin in October of 2006 when James was home on R&R. I didn't get pg.

We continued trying in May 2007, when he got home from Korea. Nothing.

Then in June we found out we were pregnant! We'd done it! It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with our daughter, it should be just as easy this time. Just a week after I found out I was pregnant I started to bleed. There was no more baby. It was hard, but nothing compared to what we were approaching.

In July we found out we were pregnant again!! SUCCESS! This was it. This was going to be a healthy baby and I couldn't wait to hold him/her in my arms. Two weeks later I started to bleed again. I'd lost another baby. I couldn't believe it. This one was harder than the last. Was there something wrong with me? Was there something wrong with my babies? What was going on? The military doctors were of no help and wouldn't even see me.

In September I found out I was pregnant again. I cried. I knew this baby would die to, just like the last two. I made an appointment to see the doctor. I went in two weeks after I found out I was pregnant (the base has this 'rule' that they wont see you unless you are two weeks late). I had my blood drawn and my HCG was already down to a 1. This was my third miscarriage in a row. I cried and cried, and then cried some more. How could I go home and tell my husband that we'd lost our fourth baby (there was one before Kayla, while he was in training in Texas). I'd failed as a mother and a wife. My body was rejecting our children. What was wrong with me??

I FINALLY got in to see the doctor and they began testing me. I was having a progesterone issue. I would ovulate, but weekly and my prog. level wouldn't get high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I was given the medication Clomid (and metformin) to make me ovulate better. The first month on it, I ovulated! WOO HOOO! My body was working. My numbers were getting better, but still weren't perfect.

The second month on it, I just KNEW it was going to be the month. Sure enough, I got pregnant. I was on infertility meds., this pregnancy was going to work out and I was going to be pregnant and hold my child! I went in for testing and a day later I was bleeding. My blood levels came back again, to show low progesterone.

I couldn't stop crying. My body had once again let me down. Let my child down. Let my husband down. I quit. I decided I couldn't do it any more and that maybe we were meant to just have one child. I couldn't take the ups and downs any more. I now had five babies in heaven..... I wanted my babies to play with me, not Jesus.

Summer Twilight by Amy Harris

When first we knew you were alive, we danced for joy.

We fell down on our knees and prayed for a healthy girl or boy.

We dreamed of how our hearts would soar when we held your tiny frame.

You never even had a name, and yet we loved you just the same.

Chorus:

Why did you have to leave us befor we could see your face,

Touch your hair, dry your tears, or feel your sweet embrace?

You are safe and warm now with our Father who knows best.

He'll take care, and we'll see you there when we come into His rest.

Would you have had your daddy's hands, or your mama's eyes?

Would you have spent the summer twilight just chasing firefiles?

Would your grandpa teach you how to fish on a clear blue mountain lake?

Blow out the candles on your cake! What kinds of wishes would you make?

Chorus:We never heard your laughter, we never saw your smile.

We never looked into your eyes to say, "I love you, my child."

We never got to hold you and kiss away your fears.

Oh God, Oh God, please hold us and wipe away our tears!

Dear little one, it seems too soon to say goodbye,

And though we know it's not for long, our hearts still cry.

By faith we put our hope in God, in His strong and loving hand.

We're trusting in His perfect plan, but still we do not understand....
Oh baby, we'll see you when we come into His rest.

I'm Pregnant!! I'm going to Korea......

James and I got back from Texas in March of 2005. In May of 2005, I flew to Wisconsin to plan our reception that was to be later in the fall. We'd decided while he was gone that we really wanted to be together and stay married. So we told our families (I'd actually told mine right away, he hadn't told his) and my parent's planned a gorgeous reception for us.

I got home the first week in June. The first week in July, we found out we were pregnant!!

I was feeling REALLLY sick. I took an HPT and the line was faint, but there, but kind of not. James said 'what does it say'. I said 'I think it says you're going to be a daddy.'

I called the base and the told me to come in for a blood test, so I did. The nurse called me the next day and said, 'Congratulations. You're VERY pregnant.' I didn't know what that meant, nor did I care. I just cried and cried because I was going to be a mommy!!

We went to the doc. at 7 weeks pg. and got an ultrasound..... where we were told it was twins!! GAH! YAY! and oh no!! James got so pale I thought he was going to pass out. We were told one baby was measuring very small and looked very sick. We couldn't get a heartbeat, but were told it was may just be to early or it may be dieing. Then it was 'will both babies die,' 'what will happen to the sick baby if it does die'?? The doc. had lots of answers, but it was def. a wait and see kind of thing.

We came back at 12 weeks for another u/s. There was only one baby. I was sad for the baby that had passed away, but was overjoyed that I still had one healthy baby.

We found out around 20 weeks it was a girl!!

When I was about 7 months pg. James came home and said "sit down." (I have since learned a conversation is only going to go down hill VERY fast from there) J said he was going to be going to Korea for one year, in April of 2006. I was due in March of 2006.

Our gorgeous daughter was born in February of 2006. I ended up with pregnancy induced hypertension. I had to go in twice weekly for non-stress tests (sit in a room, quiet, hooked up to monitors) and a weekly ultrasound. I went in for my stress test and Kayla failed it. Her hear rate wasn't responsive at all. My blood preasure was through the roof. While the doc. is telling me to go to the hospital I mention that I think my water broke. It had. So across the street I go for an emergency c-section.

Just a few months later, James was on his way to Korea. I moved back to WI to be with my family. My mom was battling breast cancer for the second time and had to have a double mastectomy.

I had to help my sick mother, be a mommy to a baby, and try to be a good wife from thousands of miles away. It's a very large role to play. I wonder what it's like to have a 'normal' life....... but for me, I guess this is normal.

Kayla and I had MANY adventures on our own. It was a lot of fun. Other things, not so fun. I had my tonsils out just before J came home and it almost killed me (bleeding issues). J got to come home for a 'mid tour' in October and it was wonderful. We decided we'd start trying for baby #2 while he was home!! Having to say good bye again was REALLY REALLY hard, I wouldn't wish that one any one. He was gone for 6 months, home for 3 weeks, and then we had to say goodbye for another 6 months. It was horrible.

Our marriage saw it's far share of issues while he was gone, but I guess I'll save that for another post.