WHAT?!?! Is that what I think it is?!?!

DH and I have gone through a bit of infertility. While it isn't a long time compared to others, two years is hard on any woman trying to become pregnant.

While it seems that in the military almost everyone just gets pg., that couldn't be farther from the truth. I know a lot of women who just pop out babies no problem. I also know a lot of women who have a really difficult time. Living on a military makes this hard. When ever there is a huge unit homecoming, there are always babies. There's now a 'boom' and every where you look you see a pg. woman. This is REALLY hard if you are one of those women who have a difficult time. You go in to see the doctor and are surrounded by pg. women. To look at them makes you hurt inside. While some of them may have had a struggle and you are happy for them, you are sad for you! It's hard, period. You want to be a 'good' person and be happy for everyone..... some women are 'bitter', but really most of them are just sad for them. And that's OK. It's OK for you to be happy for someone else and sad for you. There's nothing wrong with hurting and feeling pain for something you need in your life.

Ben's birth was horrible, at best. It left me with a lot of scar tissue. What it took to have him was 2 years of trying and medical help. We were told we'd probably never get pg. again for a lot of reasons, at least not on our own.

We went to FL and had a great time!! We came home and got settled back into life here. About 3 weeks later I wasn't feeling well. At Christmas time I felt kind of gross, but thought nothing of it. I took a pregnancy test on New Years because I felt 'off.' I'd been pregnant 7 times and kind of knew what to expect or what it felt like. Sure enough, it was positive. I went in and started to have blood tests done every 48 hours for a few weeks. I had less than 1% chance of even getting pg. and the chances of an early miscarriage were extremely high for me.

It took over a week for the utter shock to wear off. Then it was fear. I'd lost so many pregnancies. This was now my eighth pregnancy and I only have two children. I had a cat scan while technically pg, but didn't have any idea. I was worried that if the baby did make it there would be something life-threatening wrong.



So far, so good. I am now in my second trimester and if everything goes well, we will be having our third child in mid-August. This is the smoothest pregnancy I've ever had, in terms of pregnancy. I have been REALLY really sick though. I had a flu bug and had to get IV fluids. I then had a nasty sinus infection which needs antibiotics. I then got fluid in my lungs. My healthy has been total crap, but none of it is pregnancy related. Go figure.

That is why I have been MIA. I'm hardly on the computer and when I am it's just to catch up with friends and family and then I'm off!! But, I promise to be better from now on :)

James, we lost the baby.

Our quest for baby #2 begin in October of 2006 when James was home on R&R. I didn't get pg.

We continued trying in May 2007, when he got home from Korea. Nothing.

Then in June we found out we were pregnant! We'd done it! It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with our daughter, it should be just as easy this time. Just a week after I found out I was pregnant I started to bleed. There was no more baby. It was hard, but nothing compared to what we were approaching.

In July we found out we were pregnant again!! SUCCESS! This was it. This was going to be a healthy baby and I couldn't wait to hold him/her in my arms. Two weeks later I started to bleed again. I'd lost another baby. I couldn't believe it. This one was harder than the last. Was there something wrong with me? Was there something wrong with my babies? What was going on? The military doctors were of no help and wouldn't even see me.

In September I found out I was pregnant again. I cried. I knew this baby would die to, just like the last two. I made an appointment to see the doctor. I went in two weeks after I found out I was pregnant (the base has this 'rule' that they wont see you unless you are two weeks late). I had my blood drawn and my HCG was already down to a 1. This was my third miscarriage in a row. I cried and cried, and then cried some more. How could I go home and tell my husband that we'd lost our fourth baby (there was one before Kayla, while he was in training in Texas). I'd failed as a mother and a wife. My body was rejecting our children. What was wrong with me??

I FINALLY got in to see the doctor and they began testing me. I was having a progesterone issue. I would ovulate, but weekly and my prog. level wouldn't get high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I was given the medication Clomid (and metformin) to make me ovulate better. The first month on it, I ovulated! WOO HOOO! My body was working. My numbers were getting better, but still weren't perfect.

The second month on it, I just KNEW it was going to be the month. Sure enough, I got pregnant. I was on infertility meds., this pregnancy was going to work out and I was going to be pregnant and hold my child! I went in for testing and a day later I was bleeding. My blood levels came back again, to show low progesterone.

I couldn't stop crying. My body had once again let me down. Let my child down. Let my husband down. I quit. I decided I couldn't do it any more and that maybe we were meant to just have one child. I couldn't take the ups and downs any more. I now had five babies in heaven..... I wanted my babies to play with me, not Jesus.

Summer Twilight by Amy Harris

When first we knew you were alive, we danced for joy.

We fell down on our knees and prayed for a healthy girl or boy.

We dreamed of how our hearts would soar when we held your tiny frame.

You never even had a name, and yet we loved you just the same.

Chorus:

Why did you have to leave us befor we could see your face,

Touch your hair, dry your tears, or feel your sweet embrace?

You are safe and warm now with our Father who knows best.

He'll take care, and we'll see you there when we come into His rest.

Would you have had your daddy's hands, or your mama's eyes?

Would you have spent the summer twilight just chasing firefiles?

Would your grandpa teach you how to fish on a clear blue mountain lake?

Blow out the candles on your cake! What kinds of wishes would you make?

Chorus:We never heard your laughter, we never saw your smile.

We never looked into your eyes to say, "I love you, my child."

We never got to hold you and kiss away your fears.

Oh God, Oh God, please hold us and wipe away our tears!

Dear little one, it seems too soon to say goodbye,

And though we know it's not for long, our hearts still cry.

By faith we put our hope in God, in His strong and loving hand.

We're trusting in His perfect plan, but still we do not understand....
Oh baby, we'll see you when we come into His rest.