Our quest for baby #2 begin in October of 2006 when James was home on R&R. I didn't get pg.
We continued trying in May 2007, when he got home from Korea. Nothing.
Then in June we found out we were pregnant! We'd done it! It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with our daughter, it should be just as easy this time. Just a week after I found out I was pregnant I started to bleed. There was no more baby. It was hard, but nothing compared to what we were approaching.
In July we found out we were pregnant again!! SUCCESS! This was it. This was going to be a healthy baby and I couldn't wait to hold him/her in my arms. Two weeks later I started to bleed again. I'd lost another baby. I couldn't believe it. This one was harder than the last. Was there something wrong with me? Was there something wrong with my babies? What was going on? The military doctors were of no help and wouldn't even see me.
In September I found out I was pregnant again. I cried. I knew this baby would die to, just like the last two. I made an appointment to see the doctor. I went in two weeks after I found out I was pregnant (the base has this 'rule' that they wont see you unless you are two weeks late). I had my blood drawn and my HCG was already down to a 1. This was my third miscarriage in a row. I cried and cried, and then cried some more. How could I go home and tell my husband that we'd lost our fourth baby (there was one before Kayla, while he was in training in Texas). I'd failed as a mother and a wife. My body was rejecting our children. What was wrong with me??
I FINALLY got in to see the doctor and they began testing me. I was having a progesterone issue. I would ovulate, but weekly and my prog. level wouldn't get high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I was given the medication Clomid (and metformin) to make me ovulate better. The first month on it, I ovulated! WOO HOOO! My body was working. My numbers were getting better, but still weren't perfect.
The second month on it, I just KNEW it was going to be the month. Sure enough, I got pregnant. I was on infertility meds., this pregnancy was going to work out and I was going to be pregnant and hold my child! I went in for testing and a day later I was bleeding. My blood levels came back again, to show low progesterone.
I couldn't stop crying. My body had once again let me down. Let my child down. Let my husband down. I quit. I decided I couldn't do it any more and that maybe we were meant to just have one child. I couldn't take the ups and downs any more. I now had five babies in heaven..... I wanted my babies to play with me, not Jesus.
We continued trying in May 2007, when he got home from Korea. Nothing.
Then in June we found out we were pregnant! We'd done it! It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with our daughter, it should be just as easy this time. Just a week after I found out I was pregnant I started to bleed. There was no more baby. It was hard, but nothing compared to what we were approaching.
In July we found out we were pregnant again!! SUCCESS! This was it. This was going to be a healthy baby and I couldn't wait to hold him/her in my arms. Two weeks later I started to bleed again. I'd lost another baby. I couldn't believe it. This one was harder than the last. Was there something wrong with me? Was there something wrong with my babies? What was going on? The military doctors were of no help and wouldn't even see me.
In September I found out I was pregnant again. I cried. I knew this baby would die to, just like the last two. I made an appointment to see the doctor. I went in two weeks after I found out I was pregnant (the base has this 'rule' that they wont see you unless you are two weeks late). I had my blood drawn and my HCG was already down to a 1. This was my third miscarriage in a row. I cried and cried, and then cried some more. How could I go home and tell my husband that we'd lost our fourth baby (there was one before Kayla, while he was in training in Texas). I'd failed as a mother and a wife. My body was rejecting our children. What was wrong with me??
I FINALLY got in to see the doctor and they began testing me. I was having a progesterone issue. I would ovulate, but weekly and my prog. level wouldn't get high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I was given the medication Clomid (and metformin) to make me ovulate better. The first month on it, I ovulated! WOO HOOO! My body was working. My numbers were getting better, but still weren't perfect.
The second month on it, I just KNEW it was going to be the month. Sure enough, I got pregnant. I was on infertility meds., this pregnancy was going to work out and I was going to be pregnant and hold my child! I went in for testing and a day later I was bleeding. My blood levels came back again, to show low progesterone.
I couldn't stop crying. My body had once again let me down. Let my child down. Let my husband down. I quit. I decided I couldn't do it any more and that maybe we were meant to just have one child. I couldn't take the ups and downs any more. I now had five babies in heaven..... I wanted my babies to play with me, not Jesus.
Summer Twilight by Amy Harris
When first we knew you were alive, we danced for joy.
We fell down on our knees and prayed for a healthy girl or boy.
We dreamed of how our hearts would soar when we held your tiny frame.
You never even had a name, and yet we loved you just the same.
Chorus:
Why did you have to leave us befor we could see your face,
Touch your hair, dry your tears, or feel your sweet embrace?
You are safe and warm now with our Father who knows best.
He'll take care, and we'll see you there when we come into His rest.
Would you have had your daddy's hands, or your mama's eyes?
Would you have spent the summer twilight just chasing firefiles?
Would your grandpa teach you how to fish on a clear blue mountain lake?
Blow out the candles on your cake! What kinds of wishes would you make?
Chorus:We never heard your laughter, we never saw your smile.
We never looked into your eyes to say, "I love you, my child."
We never got to hold you and kiss away your fears.
Oh God, Oh God, please hold us and wipe away our tears!
Dear little one, it seems too soon to say goodbye,
And though we know it's not for long, our hearts still cry.
By faith we put our hope in God, in His strong and loving hand.
We're trusting in His perfect plan, but still we do not understand....
Oh baby, we'll see you when we come into His rest.
Oh baby, we'll see you when we come into His rest.
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